Last Facebook Post:

So, last day on fb til whenever.
To me, facebook is just society's reminder that people can be cruel, and you can have a thousand friends yet no friends at all.
Of all the friends in PEI i have on fb, I haven't hung out with one person (one on one) in real life maybe since the winter. I've really struggled with this place since moving here. I find it very excluding, cliquey, gossipy, and catty. I hate watching "friends" treat each other like shit, and i'm tired of no one ever being accountable for anything. I know this is totally specific to only a few groups of people and not even close to everyone, but i haven't been exposed to many others at this point. So far, this is so far all i know.
Thanks to the folks who have been nice to me, and supportive. Thanks toMatt for seeing through my social awkwardness and getting to know me for real. He's my best friend, my soul mate, and the only thing that keeps the loneliness away. It's not like i'm going anywhere but my social skills are terrible so i might as well get all this off my chest now, as god only knows when i'll actually have an in depth conversation in real life.
and if anyone ever wants to be friends in this place, gimme a call.

email: story.pei@gmail.com
please don't email my personal acct for work stuff. email bookingbabas@cedarseatery.com

fall to winter

I'm feeling a time for new beginnings right now. I\ve been frantically continuing my search for a new house for Matt and i. One where Jack (his son) can have his own room. Where we have no roommates. Where i can have plants that won't die. At the same time, i've begun my search for an all-ages venue/et al. location. If the basement house fully disbands from this move, i really want to open something more permanent. Somewhere real. Ideally it'll have shows, but i'll also rent it out as a jam space. Hopefully i'll find a place cheap enough that i can actually break even on it. So far, i've had shitty luck with both places. No one will rent to Matt and I because we have two dogs. And no one will rent a commercial space to me for music cause well, it's loud. And so, the hunt continues.

On other fronts, i got a raise and a promotion at work. Which makes me feel good (naturally). It's a pretty huge raise, and I officially run every aspect of Baba's. Including booking all the bands. So far so good.
As far as the rest of life goes, things are good. I (well, my doctor really) realized I have some sort of cooch-allergy. Maybe to soap, but most likely it's a latex allergy.I've never been so frustrated with contraception in my life. I don't want to mess with my hormones and go on the pill, or injections, or anything like that. I can\t get an IUD because i'm prone to yeast infections, and now i'm allergic to latex. One million dollars later, I have finally purchased some non-latex condoms. Gave em a whirl. I'll keep you posted.
Nothing is more upsetting than having an upset vegina. they're so sensitive, i always joke to Matt about how it's its own ecosystem down there. And Matt's the first partner i've used only condoms with. Which i'm guessing is why i wouldn't have known there may be an allergy. Nevertheless, here we are. And hopefully this will work it out. I must say that I did notice a difference right away with the poly condoms. Definitely makes sex better when you don't feel kinda icky afterwards. I could really get used to this.

So, Matt and I ended up not celebrating our two year anniversary. However, we are going to celebrate Uncle's one year anniversary. I find that commical, and appropriate. We are doing amazingly. Especially considering how stressful trying to move has been. I have some things i need to work on i think, but he's a very patient person. I'm pretty lucky.

I forgot to update with a photo from my garden this year. I will say, it was a huge success. everything was ginormous. my only real failure was my broccolli. again. It just bolts right away. But, everything else grew (zucz, lettuce, leeks, onions, peppers, and so on) wonderfullyl. The amazing summer really made it impossible to fail. I do have some picture somewhere, i'll try and post some.

Simpler Things

Just a quick update:

Trying to simplify my life. Down to one (well, sorta) jobs. Down one band (Eviction Party broke up... RIP). Off Facebook again (hopefully forever). Oh! and I quit smoking ! (Well, 5 days in so far, fingers crossed). It's nice to feel more in control of my own life, and have time to breathe.

i know its been a million years~!

I just realized i haven't written anything here since May.
Part of this is because I've been very busy.
And part of this is because I don't really know what to say.
Haha. I guess i'll get you all up to speed..
I work a lot. I am managing the bar i was working at (baba's lounge), and i also work part time for a jeweler called Overman. On top of that, I'm still busy with bands and PRRO and all that other fun stuff.


Going away was soo lovely! I got to spend time with Christeen, Zach, and see tons of other amazing friends. But, i think it was a little bittersweet because seeing so many friends made me feel that much lonelier here on PEI. It seems like i try and try and try and I still can't make friends here. It really makes me wonder, "am i a shitty person?", "am i not likable?". And that makes me kinda sad. It also makes me wonder "should i really still be living here?", "am i happy?". And that makes me flighty as hell.
There are a lot of great things about PEI. And maybe part of my problem is that I just don't utilize them. I don't live at the cabin anymore, and I think that's a really big thing. I feel like i've really lost touch with a lot of who i am. I haven't written a new song in months and months, these days i don't even bother to pick up my banjo or accordion. Is this what nine to fivers feel like? It's a boring lifeless way to live.
I just miss having friends. Having people to share things with. I've been on PEI for probably 4 years now, and there still isn't a single person i can hang out with and talk to about anything real.

Every day I think about leaving. And i wonder if the reasons why I stay outweigh the reasons for leaving?

Garden!!

Got my garden in! All of my seedling were huge. I've got a good feeling about this years yield. Broccolli, zucs, cucs, lettuce, tomatoes, leeks, peppers. Heck yeah.

Emergency

I feel like im about to say a lot of things i pretend dont exist in any strong woman's life, or in mine. I feel like, i, like many women, pretend to be much stronger than we really are. I pretend i don't let emotions trump better judgement. But, a lot of the time, that's simply not the case.
I just read a really powerful column in MRR Issue 348  called "Dancing with Tears in my Eyes" by Kat Case. The column spoke to me on so many levels. It was mainly about her struggles with the morning after pill, how she felt about taking it, where her life was at that point, and her partners reactions in those situations. It really spoke to me. She had two instances where she took the morning after pill.
The first was in her younger years, with an alcoholic punk boy who didn't seem particularly sensitive to the whole situation... a situation where he knew the condom had slipped off inside of her but kept on going; came inside of her anyway. During that time in her life, she seemed to be a lot like i was when i was younger. Always trying to have sex responsibly, be accountable/responsible for her own body. Got tested regularly, used condoms, went on the pill with long-term partners. But, also like me, no matter how much effort she put into it, she still reluctantly continued to date men who would always put off getting tested, or be sexually irresponsible with HER body. I've been several relationships where i've allowed love to cloud better judgement. Empty promises of  "I'll get tested soon, i swear" and as the months go by, you begin to slack a little, and trust them more and more, all the while they're still not giving you the simple respect to just go get it done. I've been in monogamous, very long-term relationships with men who've lied about ever being tested, cheated without using protection, and come home to sleep with me condom-free for months without guilt. Our mutual friends never told me because it "wasn't their business", and I've never felt clean since. I've struggled my whole adult life with trusting someone else with MY sexual health. Because, ulitmately, that's what you're doing.

The second instance where this woman opted for the morning after pill was many years later, her now a teacher and in her 30's,  dating a new man who she was falling very in love with. That night, during sex, he just unexpectedly came inside her. She knew she should have been mad, but instead just lay there holding him. Her love for him made him able to blatantly disrespect her wishes, and her body. She knew she was ovulating, and thought about the idea of keeping the child if she was in fact pregnant. But, made the decision not to. To her, it was a life-changing experience. To him, it was a night of sex he could barely even recall by morning.

In most of the circles of friends i've kept in my adult life, there has always been a similar theme. Most women going for yearly paps, getting tested (including blood work) yearly, and being accountable for our actions. Out of the male friends i currently have here, i know of only one who's ever been tested, let alone regularly. Generally, how i've gone about getting around this when it comes to dating is to always use condoms (and i'm very good about them these days, but nobody's perfect), and make sure i'm tested between each partners (including blood work six months post break-up). That way, if my last partner had given me something very serious without knowing, it would end with me. All because i've become complacent to many men's attitudes about sexual health. And you know what? That's unfair. I've suffered the permanent emotional damage from their irresponsibility. I've suffered the paranoia of contracting STIs, the close calls, the unexpected ejaculations, the morning after pills,  the lies, the manipulation. I've suffered the ABORTION. And my exes? They have no idea what that feels like.