Waiting through the hugest windstorm I've ever seen here. This is day 2. Trees are ready to rip outta the ground. So far, not too many casualties. A door left outside got smashed to bits, the chicken feed blew over. Everything's mostly just blowing around.
Last night was one of the most epic lunar eclipses in history. Only happens every few thousand years, or so I'm told. It also fell on solstice. Maybe that's why I feel so crazy these days..
I've got the worst cabin fever I think I've ever felt. Even with the big addition, the house feels so small, so crowded, even just for two people. I'm not sure sometimes if I need physical space, or emotional. It's hard to get your head on straight about a person when they're always around... sometimes space is the best thing. But not forced space, natural space. Not the kind you take, but the kind that's given to you.
I've got practice with Skurm tomorrow. That will surely help with this funk I'm in. Screaming always makes me feel better. And, I love us as a concept. Such an awesome group of solid guys.. I watch them all when we're practicing and smile to myself the whole time. Everyone is so amazing, and talented, and they're all such great friends. It just makes me wanna laugh out loud.
Drinking alone tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will be better?
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
building walls
So, cud and I framed in most of the interior walls last night. It was awesome.
We made all the front walls shorter, so there's space for the hot air to pass over the walls, heating the rooms. thinking about maybe leaving an open slit at the bottom of the walls as well, to help let the air circulate. so, cold air can go out underneath, hot air come in up top.
Still haven't decided what to cover the walls in. We're thinking maybe some plaster, some wood, some just cheap hardboard? hence, the sheets. it's nice just to hang them to break up the space.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
milestones.
1. Stopped biting my lip.
I know this doesnt seem like a big deal, but five years ago it was this horrible habit i had. Id get stressed, and start chewing. Id chew and chew until my lower lip would bleed. Then it would start to heal over, all white and filmy, and id chew that off. Over and over. It was a mechanism for dealing with stress, like how i bite my nails, only worse. And it hurt. It would hurt soo bad when id start chewing, but i think the pain was reassuring somehow.
Its been five years. Thats something.
2. Panic attacks. I used to let everything build and build til i would just lose it. If start hyperventilating. Crying. I felt like i couldnt even speak.
Ten years.
3. Fear of commitment. I used to break up with every partner at the eight month mark. Religiously. It was a subconscious pattern i think. It took me a while to see what i was doing, and it took me even longer to stop and think before i ran.
Six years.
When times get rough, somwtimes its good to remind yourself how far youve come.
I know this doesnt seem like a big deal, but five years ago it was this horrible habit i had. Id get stressed, and start chewing. Id chew and chew until my lower lip would bleed. Then it would start to heal over, all white and filmy, and id chew that off. Over and over. It was a mechanism for dealing with stress, like how i bite my nails, only worse. And it hurt. It would hurt soo bad when id start chewing, but i think the pain was reassuring somehow.
Its been five years. Thats something.
2. Panic attacks. I used to let everything build and build til i would just lose it. If start hyperventilating. Crying. I felt like i couldnt even speak.
Ten years.
3. Fear of commitment. I used to break up with every partner at the eight month mark. Religiously. It was a subconscious pattern i think. It took me a while to see what i was doing, and it took me even longer to stop and think before i ran.
Six years.
When times get rough, somwtimes its good to remind yourself how far youve come.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Winter
Ive gotta admit, i was pretty nervous about the winter here. The stress of buying firewood when we re broke, will the house be warm enough? What about the roof?
Well, the roofs not done. We got as far as throwing our rubber liner on top, and thats it. Every week or two we have to get up there and pull it back in place. The wind here has been crazy. Theres still no insulation on it either, so we re losing a lot of heat through the roof. But, with the new woodstove, it seems like it might be ok. Despite the drips every now and again. We re relatively warm and dry. Roof in the spring? Sounds reasonable to me.
I was also worried about how feasable it would be to heat the house all the time. With our old, small stove, it needed wood every three or four hours. Every time we would go out for a bit, we'd come home to a cold damp house. The fire would always go out overnight as well, and itd take forever to get it startes again in the mornings. Our new stove, however, is awesome. I can leave it on slow burn for almost twelve hours without restoking it. It heats the place perfectly, even with all the insulation. So far, at least. Weve had a minus 7 with the windchill as our coldest day so far, so we'll see what the winter brings.
Its really lovely here in the winter actually. Calm and quiet. Beautiful snowy outside, toasty inside. We've been drinking lots of tea these past few weeks. Its so much more soothing than coffee. Ive also been painting more lately, which i love. And i just bought myself a banjo, so ive been mesmerized with that. Writing is new again with a fresh instrument. I have one new song to add to my three other banjo songs. Im thinking of releasing a banjo ep. Six songs maybe.
Its nice sometimes to break your own mold. Especially when its one youve cast yourself.
Well, the roofs not done. We got as far as throwing our rubber liner on top, and thats it. Every week or two we have to get up there and pull it back in place. The wind here has been crazy. Theres still no insulation on it either, so we re losing a lot of heat through the roof. But, with the new woodstove, it seems like it might be ok. Despite the drips every now and again. We re relatively warm and dry. Roof in the spring? Sounds reasonable to me.
I was also worried about how feasable it would be to heat the house all the time. With our old, small stove, it needed wood every three or four hours. Every time we would go out for a bit, we'd come home to a cold damp house. The fire would always go out overnight as well, and itd take forever to get it startes again in the mornings. Our new stove, however, is awesome. I can leave it on slow burn for almost twelve hours without restoking it. It heats the place perfectly, even with all the insulation. So far, at least. Weve had a minus 7 with the windchill as our coldest day so far, so we'll see what the winter brings.
Its really lovely here in the winter actually. Calm and quiet. Beautiful snowy outside, toasty inside. We've been drinking lots of tea these past few weeks. Its so much more soothing than coffee. Ive also been painting more lately, which i love. And i just bought myself a banjo, so ive been mesmerized with that. Writing is new again with a fresh instrument. I have one new song to add to my three other banjo songs. Im thinking of releasing a banjo ep. Six songs maybe.
Its nice sometimes to break your own mold. Especially when its one youve cast yourself.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
tearin down the wall!!
here's a photo of the day we finally tore down the wall between the original 10 by 16 house and the 12 by 24 extension!! you can see the new living room!! soo cool!!!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Come see us play music at Baba's!!!!
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/event.php?eid=158467490831430&ref=nf
I'm soo excited for Ryley to finally come visit!!! They've been saying for 2 YEARS that they'd come... can't wait. And playing with Kit will be awesome. Can you say dreamboat?!
I'm soo excited for Ryley to finally come visit!!! They've been saying for 2 YEARS that they'd come... can't wait. And playing with Kit will be awesome. Can you say dreamboat?!
come together
So, the extension is pretty much done. it's awesome. The roof just needs to be put on, and the interior walls built, but we laid the floors today, they're soo lovely!!
Cud got us a new couch from his boss too! it's ridiculous. It's giant, and both the end seats recline. Very luxurious. It fills our entire living room, but it's worth it i think.
Trying to learn to build a living roof is proving to be harder than I initially anticipated. There's really not much on the internet in the way of actual step-by-step instructions, so we're sort of just going with it. I found a cheap deal on waterproofing membrane though, which is definitely the most expensive part, so it's looking like the whole roof will cost us about 600 dollars, instead of 1ooo like i was thinking. Very stoked about that.
Unrelated, I started singing for a new crust band a few weeks ago. skurm. It's awesome, although my vocal chords are pretty much destroyed. I have an accordion show on the 26th at Baba's in town here, hopefully they'll be feeling better by then? I can't even imagine singing pretty right now, haha.
Skurm's first show is Oct 19th, I can't wait! It's going to rule.
I think it's going to be a good winter.
Also, Pat and Ellen's house is almost done. They're roofing it today. It's pretty awesome, very huge. I can't wait til it's done, I know tenting it is probably getting to them by now, and it's really starting to get cold. Not to mention all the rain.... blah.....
Cud got us a new couch from his boss too! it's ridiculous. It's giant, and both the end seats recline. Very luxurious. It fills our entire living room, but it's worth it i think.
Trying to learn to build a living roof is proving to be harder than I initially anticipated. There's really not much on the internet in the way of actual step-by-step instructions, so we're sort of just going with it. I found a cheap deal on waterproofing membrane though, which is definitely the most expensive part, so it's looking like the whole roof will cost us about 600 dollars, instead of 1ooo like i was thinking. Very stoked about that.
Unrelated, I started singing for a new crust band a few weeks ago. skurm. It's awesome, although my vocal chords are pretty much destroyed. I have an accordion show on the 26th at Baba's in town here, hopefully they'll be feeling better by then? I can't even imagine singing pretty right now, haha.
Skurm's first show is Oct 19th, I can't wait! It's going to rule.
I think it's going to be a good winter.
Also, Pat and Ellen's house is almost done. They're roofing it today. It's pretty awesome, very huge. I can't wait til it's done, I know tenting it is probably getting to them by now, and it's really starting to get cold. Not to mention all the rain.... blah.....
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
almost done!!!
well, the extension is almost finished now. We re pretty excited.
All of the walls are up, and we re putting on the roof beams and starting the rafters today. We ve also started siding the outside of the house with pressboard. Pretty awesome. Im thinking itll be done by the weekend? Sorry there havent been many pictures. I do have some on my phone, but my phone doesnt let me upload them. I have to use a computer. Sorry. But pictures this week!!!
I cant wait. The extension has a 12x12 living room, a 5x8 bathroom (yes! A real bathroom!!), and a 12x7 sparwe room. So cool. Itll also have a living roof, and some other really rad features... Like gyprock walls! Haha. Stoked.
All of the walls are up, and we re putting on the roof beams and starting the rafters today. We ve also started siding the outside of the house with pressboard. Pretty awesome. Im thinking itll be done by the weekend? Sorry there havent been many pictures. I do have some on my phone, but my phone doesnt let me upload them. I have to use a computer. Sorry. But pictures this week!!!
I cant wait. The extension has a 12x12 living room, a 5x8 bathroom (yes! A real bathroom!!), and a 12x7 sparwe room. So cool. Itll also have a living roof, and some other really rad features... Like gyprock walls! Haha. Stoked.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The progress:
This photo was taken about a week ago. We had one and a half walls up at this point.
As you can see, this extension is HUGE!
Just waiting to cell our roots...
So, this is our lovely new root cellar. Thanks to Airoe, Reece, Haley, Andre, and Cud for helping dig it. It's an old freezer in a hole 5 feet in the ground. Still working on the hatch for it. But soon.
Props to Reece's root cellar book for solidifying this idea..
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
sunshine and chainsaws
Its been a busy few weeks here. I dont even know where to start.
My best friend ellen and her partner pat were living in calgary for the past few years, which in my opinion, is too far away for a best friend. So i started a campaign to convince her to come live in pei and id give her some land. So, finally, last monday, they made it here. Its awesome. Theyre building a house behind ours at the top of this beautiful hill, with views of the sunset. Its gorgeous. More on their house as it comes i guess.
Yesterday we got our well dug. It was really neat. I guess in pei they still use a pretty old fashioned method. Basically they take this giant, relatively blunt rod and pound it into the ground. It took hours. The end result is a 70 foot well. Pretty neat. We decided we re going to use a submersible pump and run it off of solar panels eventually, but for now, our generator. Its an expensive decision, but i think itll be worth it to have water running straight into the house.
Also this week, our driveway got finished. We have a big space at the top for parking and turning around. Its pretty rad. I probably, hopefully, wont be backing into any more trees.
As far as the extension goes, the floor is finished, and one wall is up. Slow, but steady i guess. Yesterday i spent all day thinning out part of the forest with a chainsaw to make our yard a bit larger. It looks much nicer, and theres a nice spot for our bonfire pit (the extension is getting built over the old pit).
Ellen and i also bought gym memberships this week. Its been hell. Youd think i would be in better shape what with all the building, digging, and whatnot i do in a day, but apparently not. Ive been in bed by 9 or 10 every night since we started at the gym. And im aching all over. We re on a campaign to get fit and feel healthier. Im pretty stoked about it, and ellens never been to the gym before but shes been wanting to go forever.
My best friend ellen and her partner pat were living in calgary for the past few years, which in my opinion, is too far away for a best friend. So i started a campaign to convince her to come live in pei and id give her some land. So, finally, last monday, they made it here. Its awesome. Theyre building a house behind ours at the top of this beautiful hill, with views of the sunset. Its gorgeous. More on their house as it comes i guess.
Yesterday we got our well dug. It was really neat. I guess in pei they still use a pretty old fashioned method. Basically they take this giant, relatively blunt rod and pound it into the ground. It took hours. The end result is a 70 foot well. Pretty neat. We decided we re going to use a submersible pump and run it off of solar panels eventually, but for now, our generator. Its an expensive decision, but i think itll be worth it to have water running straight into the house.
Also this week, our driveway got finished. We have a big space at the top for parking and turning around. Its pretty rad. I probably, hopefully, wont be backing into any more trees.
As far as the extension goes, the floor is finished, and one wall is up. Slow, but steady i guess. Yesterday i spent all day thinning out part of the forest with a chainsaw to make our yard a bit larger. It looks much nicer, and theres a nice spot for our bonfire pit (the extension is getting built over the old pit).
Ellen and i also bought gym memberships this week. Its been hell. Youd think i would be in better shape what with all the building, digging, and whatnot i do in a day, but apparently not. Ive been in bed by 9 or 10 every night since we started at the gym. And im aching all over. We re on a campaign to get fit and feel healthier. Im pretty stoked about it, and ellens never been to the gym before but shes been wanting to go forever.
Friday, August 6, 2010
being an adult sucks.
Okay. I feel like I need to do some venting, so here goes:
Things have been getting progressively more and more stressful to me at our homestead these days, I'm not sure exactly what the root cause is.
I'd like to say that having your partner as your roommate is great, and sometimes it can be, but sometimes it just causes all this trivial problems in the relationship that could easily be avoided if you had your own spaces. Things like "Argh! He left his dirty socks on the kitchen table!" or "He hasn't done the dishes in weeks!". Things that if said person was just a roommate, you'd only be a little angry, but since they're your partner, you're furious. Furious because you can be, because no matter how shitty you treat them, they're not going to just up and stop being your friend. And even if they did decide that, you'd totally see it coming and it would be this long, drawn out, horrible breakup and by the end of it you'd be convinced that they were a horrible person anyways.
It's been really difficult staying positive about being home all the time. What i thought would mean "lounging around in my underwear" actually means "cleaning up after the millions of houseguests, orchestrating getting a well dug, dealing with the excavators working on the driveway,searching the country for windows, doors, a well pump, a donkey, you name it!, while trying to single-handedly build a 12 by 20 house extension using money almost entirely from my unemployment cheques". I am not a happy camper. Perhaps if that were it, it wouldn't be so bad. But, I also have to take care of my dog, cud's dog, the rabbit, and the chickens (which includes tons of shit-shovelling, and the like), AS WELL AS do the laundry, buy the groceries, sweep up the house, scrub the the outhouse at least once a week, and respond to what sometimes feels like literally thousands of emails from people who want to come visit (often with replies like "it's not really a good time" and then ending up feeling like a total asshole about that).
So, obviously, I've been feeling angry at Cud about a lot of this. Maybe resentful is a better word. The way I see it, all he has to do is work. He works like , 60 hours a week sometimes. He gets home from work, it's nighttime, he eats leftovers of whatever we made for dinner, goes to bed, wakes up, goes to work, etc. He doesn't have to be the one who has to "have a talk" with whatever said houseguest is being crappy, he doesn't have to take care of his dog, sweep the house, buy the groceries, do his laundry. So, for me, I get frustrated because I sort of feel like I'm doing everything.
I know I'm probably being unfair.. and He's not doing anything wrong either. He's been putting up with me lately, being super cranky all the time, snapping at him for no reason (well, the reason is because I'm resentful), AND quitting smoking. I feel bad for him. And all this time, he's still super sweet to me, and patient, even though I'm a total asshole. It blows my mind sometimes.
But sometimes, the stress of living with your partner when you're already stressed is too much. I miss things like "quality time" where you actually hang out with eachother instead of just being in eachothers spaces occasionally and counting that as time spent together. I miss making an effort to see the other person. making an effort to do something nice for them, or take them for dinner instead of having them cook. Things that couples who don't live together do. Like, go for a walk, or talk about feelings. Why are those things so often forgotten when a person moves in with their partner?
I think cud and I really need some time alone. We haven't had any since before we picked up mogli and josie while we were on tour... so, like, May. Otherwise, I don't know what'll happen. We might just kill eachother... or worse.
Things have been getting progressively more and more stressful to me at our homestead these days, I'm not sure exactly what the root cause is.
I'd like to say that having your partner as your roommate is great, and sometimes it can be, but sometimes it just causes all this trivial problems in the relationship that could easily be avoided if you had your own spaces. Things like "Argh! He left his dirty socks on the kitchen table!" or "He hasn't done the dishes in weeks!". Things that if said person was just a roommate, you'd only be a little angry, but since they're your partner, you're furious. Furious because you can be, because no matter how shitty you treat them, they're not going to just up and stop being your friend. And even if they did decide that, you'd totally see it coming and it would be this long, drawn out, horrible breakup and by the end of it you'd be convinced that they were a horrible person anyways.
It's been really difficult staying positive about being home all the time. What i thought would mean "lounging around in my underwear" actually means "cleaning up after the millions of houseguests, orchestrating getting a well dug, dealing with the excavators working on the driveway,searching the country for windows, doors, a well pump, a donkey, you name it!, while trying to single-handedly build a 12 by 20 house extension using money almost entirely from my unemployment cheques". I am not a happy camper. Perhaps if that were it, it wouldn't be so bad. But, I also have to take care of my dog, cud's dog, the rabbit, and the chickens (which includes tons of shit-shovelling, and the like), AS WELL AS do the laundry, buy the groceries, sweep up the house, scrub the the outhouse at least once a week, and respond to what sometimes feels like literally thousands of emails from people who want to come visit (often with replies like "it's not really a good time" and then ending up feeling like a total asshole about that).
So, obviously, I've been feeling angry at Cud about a lot of this. Maybe resentful is a better word. The way I see it, all he has to do is work. He works like , 60 hours a week sometimes. He gets home from work, it's nighttime, he eats leftovers of whatever we made for dinner, goes to bed, wakes up, goes to work, etc. He doesn't have to be the one who has to "have a talk" with whatever said houseguest is being crappy, he doesn't have to take care of his dog, sweep the house, buy the groceries, do his laundry. So, for me, I get frustrated because I sort of feel like I'm doing everything.
I know I'm probably being unfair.. and He's not doing anything wrong either. He's been putting up with me lately, being super cranky all the time, snapping at him for no reason (well, the reason is because I'm resentful), AND quitting smoking. I feel bad for him. And all this time, he's still super sweet to me, and patient, even though I'm a total asshole. It blows my mind sometimes.
But sometimes, the stress of living with your partner when you're already stressed is too much. I miss things like "quality time" where you actually hang out with eachother instead of just being in eachothers spaces occasionally and counting that as time spent together. I miss making an effort to see the other person. making an effort to do something nice for them, or take them for dinner instead of having them cook. Things that couples who don't live together do. Like, go for a walk, or talk about feelings. Why are those things so often forgotten when a person moves in with their partner?
I think cud and I really need some time alone. We haven't had any since before we picked up mogli and josie while we were on tour... so, like, May. Otherwise, I don't know what'll happen. We might just kill eachother... or worse.
half of the extension floor...
So, the extension is coming along much slower than i had anticipated. First, i had no money, then, i had to wait for cud and I to cut down a gigantic tree, now, i'm just frustrated with trying to level the block foundation... by myself. I don't know if you've ever tried to lift a 12 by 12 floor and move it by yourself, but it's impossible. I need help. We have lots of houseguests coming and going, but very little help. And Cud's always working, it's rarely daylight when he's home, so I can't ask him for help.
I'm also getting to the point where I'm pretty sure I don't want to see another houseguest for the rest of the summer after this wave coming up. I think this one might be my breaking point. Pat and Ellen and their dog (who piston, MY dog, doesn't like) PLUS hiker and his friend, hiker's dysfunctional dog Domino (who apparently is doing better) and his friends dog as well. And Reece and Travis are still staying with us. Making a grand total of 5 dogs, 8 people, and a rabbit in a 10 by 16 cabin. hmm.... should be interesting.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Mad photo props to Rowan Bee. The first and last photo are from HarbourWaterFest in Halifax in June. It was the last date of our tour. Cud and I were screaming in eachothers faces out of excitement. Too bad you missed it. Good times...
The rest of the photos are from Rowan's visit about a month ago. We had a super great time. There's a sweet photo of Cud and I and our first egg!!! Silflay laid that one, right outside so we could all see her. It was weird, but totally awesome.
the "living room" is really starting to look good!!
We put up a nice high window shelf a while back above the couch, which is amazing for storing zines, extra lamps, books, and plants. It really makes the space feel even taller than before, which is awesome.
It'll be nice when we have the new livingroom, but this is great too for now. Cozy cozy...
perry gave us a canope!
So we made an outdoor living room. It's really great. we had to take this carseat out of cud's van the other day anyways, so we made it into a nice couch. It's a really nice spot to sit in the mornings while drinking coffee.
lots of flowerbeds~!!
I've been planting lots of small flowerbeds around the house. we filled in the "moat" that laurie dug us that's never had water in it, and I've been planting lots of perrenials.
I'm hoping that in a few years the perrenials I've been planting around the outside of the house will start to really grow! Lots of sage, some clematis. Should be pretty!
Monday, July 26, 2010
lots of visitors!!
Its been so nice having reece and travis here for the past few weeks. Theyre the best houseguests ever!! It feels like a family. Dinner together every night. They pitch tons on food, clean up after themselves!! Oh, its how it should be...
Weve had lots of other visitors the past week too! Rodeo and lucky from calgary, byron and carina from montreal, and jonahs coming thiss weekend, as well as nolan and his friend. Its very bust, but nice. Been planting lots of perrenials around the house. Sage especially. I hope it takes over the yard.
This week we re getting our driveway done all proper like. Still dirt, but with a big turnaround at the end, which will be amazing. The after that, the well gets dug!
I laid the first stones in place today for the new extension also, which im soo excites about. Its going to be a slow build, moneys tight, but im hoping its done by the end of the summer.
Cud and i also got an old freezer from his boss this weekend that we re going to make into an in-ground root cellar. Reece has this great book on root cellars called "root cellaring: natural cold storage of fruits and vegetables". Its really helpful on learning how to have a nice steady flow of fresh veggies all year long.
Oh! Also, we got our real propane stove hooked up last week, and reece and i did some test baking in it! He made mango orange and fresh lavender cake. It was soo delicious!!
Its been so nice having reece and travis here for the past few weeks. Theyre the best houseguests ever!! It feels like a family. Dinner together every night. They pitch tons on food, clean up after themselves!! Oh, its how it should be...
Weve had lots of other visitors the past week too! Rodeo and lucky from calgary, byron and carina from montreal, and jonahs coming thiss weekend, as well as nolan and his friend. Its very bust, but nice. Been planting lots of perrenials around the house. Sage especially. I hope it takes over the yard.
This week we re getting our driveway done all proper like. Still dirt, but with a big turnaround at the end, which will be amazing. The after that, the well gets dug!
I laid the first stones in place today for the new extension also, which im soo excites about. Its going to be a slow build, moneys tight, but im hoping its done by the end of the summer.
Cud and i also got an old freezer from his boss this weekend that we re going to make into an in-ground root cellar. Reece has this great book on root cellars called "root cellaring: natural cold storage of fruits and vegetables". Its really helpful on learning how to have a nice steady flow of fresh veggies all year long.
Oh! Also, we got our real propane stove hooked up last week, and reece and i did some test baking in it! He made mango orange and fresh lavender cake. It was soo delicious!!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
my first sprouts!
So, this year I've planted my first garden ever!!!! I'm soo excited about it, even though it's only about 5 x 4 or something. I started most of it from seeds, which i germinated in the house. These were my first sprouts! I think they're beets.
our lovely kitchen
So, i've been spending a lot of time lately "prettying up" the house. Lots of plants, art, shelves!!! it's finally really starting to feel like home.
Here's a photo of the kitchen.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Chickens!!!!!
So, we got some chickens a few weeks ago. 4 to be exact. Two Rhode Island Reds, and two brown chickens. They're names are Spazz and Silflay (the reds), and Thistle and Boxcar (the browns).
Our friend Rowan was visiting the weekend we decided to pick them up. The coop at been ready for a week or so, but we wanted to make sure everything was perfectly in place and their run had only been finished for a day or two.
We got the chickens from a farm on the west end of the island. It seemed like a great farm, with a great selection over the phone. But when we got there, we really got the runaround. They had told me over the phone that adult chickens were 5 dollars each, but when we got there, they upped the price to 7, and refused to sell us the type we had asked for over the phone (these pretty chickens called Barred Rocks).
I almost didn't even want to bother, but we had driven almost 2 hours to get there, and once we got out to the barn, i knew I had to buy at least a few.
In the doorway, layed a dead white laying hen, Rowan almost stepped on her on the way in. The barn had no light or windows, and each small pen had two hens and a rooster of different breeds. The pen with the white laying hens, was very overcrowded, and most of the hens were missing all their feathers on their necks from pecking eachother. We walked past another dead white hen sitting on a table. The barn smelled awful, and seemed like it had never been cleaned. Through a hallway, we could see their "mink farm" operation. Little baby minks in tiny, large gauge wire pens. The lady also had what she called a "pet fox". which was a fox in a chicken pen (which were also made of very large-gauge wire, not comfortable for walking on at all, with no hay). He was all alone in there in the dark, and i felt so bad for him. We took our four chickens (two of them were missing feathers from being pecked at by the roosters), and got outta there as quick as we could.
I'd like to go back to that farm and free some of those animals. Or maybe report them. I'm not sure how legal their operation would be, but then again, I know that factory farming is worse, yet it's legal.
Never-the-less, we now have 4 chickens who have a good home. The two browns seem to lay pretty regularly, the Reds, not so much. I think they're pretty old. the lady lied and told us they were a year or two. I should have known better than to believe her. Regardless, they'll live a happy life with us, and hopefully die of old age.
Our friend Rowan was visiting the weekend we decided to pick them up. The coop at been ready for a week or so, but we wanted to make sure everything was perfectly in place and their run had only been finished for a day or two.
We got the chickens from a farm on the west end of the island. It seemed like a great farm, with a great selection over the phone. But when we got there, we really got the runaround. They had told me over the phone that adult chickens were 5 dollars each, but when we got there, they upped the price to 7, and refused to sell us the type we had asked for over the phone (these pretty chickens called Barred Rocks).
I almost didn't even want to bother, but we had driven almost 2 hours to get there, and once we got out to the barn, i knew I had to buy at least a few.
In the doorway, layed a dead white laying hen, Rowan almost stepped on her on the way in. The barn had no light or windows, and each small pen had two hens and a rooster of different breeds. The pen with the white laying hens, was very overcrowded, and most of the hens were missing all their feathers on their necks from pecking eachother. We walked past another dead white hen sitting on a table. The barn smelled awful, and seemed like it had never been cleaned. Through a hallway, we could see their "mink farm" operation. Little baby minks in tiny, large gauge wire pens. The lady also had what she called a "pet fox". which was a fox in a chicken pen (which were also made of very large-gauge wire, not comfortable for walking on at all, with no hay). He was all alone in there in the dark, and i felt so bad for him. We took our four chickens (two of them were missing feathers from being pecked at by the roosters), and got outta there as quick as we could.
I'd like to go back to that farm and free some of those animals. Or maybe report them. I'm not sure how legal their operation would be, but then again, I know that factory farming is worse, yet it's legal.
Never-the-less, we now have 4 chickens who have a good home. The two browns seem to lay pretty regularly, the Reds, not so much. I think they're pretty old. the lady lied and told us they were a year or two. I should have known better than to believe her. Regardless, they'll live a happy life with us, and hopefully die of old age.
Big Plans
So, we have some big plans for our house. Currently, our cabin is 10 x 14. A little small for year-round use, and Cud and in not wanting to kill eachother now and again. So, we're building an extension. It's going to be a 12 x 20 addition, including a 12 x 12 living room and 8 x 12 spare room. It's only going to be one story high, with a living roof for my herb garden. we're planning on putting in a door in our upstairs loft bedroom with a walkway that leads to the new roof. we're very excited about it. The house will then be sort of boomarang shaped, with full sun coverage on all sides. i can't wait!!
Also, some other things we've been working on recently have been the new greenhouse that Cud and our friend Beyon built a week ago. It's very cool. This week i plan to dig up the ground its on to get it ready for planting next year. I'm thinking peppers, and tomatoes?
My small garden patch is all planted and doing well as well. I had a bit of a problem with slugs a few weeks ago, but the nice ladies at the garden centre in Montague told me to make a trail of coarse salt around the perimeter, and the slugs would dry up and die if they tried to crawl over it. So far so good, but its a bit tricky i find when it rains. The slugs love the rain, the salt does not. The garden this year has zucchini, brussel sprouts, parsnips, beets, and peppers, and I also planted some cherry tomatoes near the house. Very excited for the vegetables to finally come!! next year i'm hoping to plant three times the size of a garden, and hopefully have a spring, summer and fall harvest.
Pictures soon!
Also, some other things we've been working on recently have been the new greenhouse that Cud and our friend Beyon built a week ago. It's very cool. This week i plan to dig up the ground its on to get it ready for planting next year. I'm thinking peppers, and tomatoes?
My small garden patch is all planted and doing well as well. I had a bit of a problem with slugs a few weeks ago, but the nice ladies at the garden centre in Montague told me to make a trail of coarse salt around the perimeter, and the slugs would dry up and die if they tried to crawl over it. So far so good, but its a bit tricky i find when it rains. The slugs love the rain, the salt does not. The garden this year has zucchini, brussel sprouts, parsnips, beets, and peppers, and I also planted some cherry tomatoes near the house. Very excited for the vegetables to finally come!! next year i'm hoping to plant three times the size of a garden, and hopefully have a spring, summer and fall harvest.
Pictures soon!
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Cabin
So, like i was saying, last August we built our cabin. We finished it in August, minus the insulation. At that point we were broke, with the cabin costing us approx. 1000 bucks to build.
We stayed there until October of last year, and then came back in March, finished the insulation, and left for tour for two and a half months.
Now we're back (just got back mid-June), and we've been doing lots of work around the place and slowly turn it into a Homestead.
We stayed there until October of last year, and then came back in March, finished the insulation, and left for tour for two and a half months.
Now we're back (just got back mid-June), and we've been doing lots of work around the place and slowly turn it into a Homestead.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
the Lost Farm!!!
alright. So it's been ages, but i've been busy.
Toured all over the continent for 2 1/2 months, and i'm finally back home!
I thought i would use this blog for the time being to write about Cud
and I's farm... Well, farm to be, i suppose.
We built our house on my 60 acres of forest last August. Built the
whole house in a week! Its 10x14 with a 7x10 partial loft. Our friend
Laurie designed it, and the three of us did all the construction with
no electricity. Cut all the wood with a chainsaw. We're badass, i
suppose.
The house isn't quite finished, and we hope to build a 12x20 extension
onto it this summer.
Toured all over the continent for 2 1/2 months, and i'm finally back home!
I thought i would use this blog for the time being to write about Cud
and I's farm... Well, farm to be, i suppose.
We built our house on my 60 acres of forest last August. Built the
whole house in a week! Its 10x14 with a 7x10 partial loft. Our friend
Laurie designed it, and the three of us did all the construction with
no electricity. Cut all the wood with a chainsaw. We're badass, i
suppose.
The house isn't quite finished, and we hope to build a 12x20 extension
onto it this summer.
--
<3 -story.- <3
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
My mother
Where to begin...
My mother was told she had bowel cancer. It hadn't really sunk in for any of us. It felt like we were all just coming to terms with everything when she got another call from the doctor. The biopsy report was in.
They had only taken 5 biopsy samples when they did her colonoscopy. Usually they take more, but in her case the section of her bowel had to be removed regardless of the outcome, cancerous or not, so they only took the five.
After the doctors tell my mother that they were sure she had bowel cancer, they called her back and told her that the biopsies came back clean. No cancer. That doesn't necessarily mean that there isn't cancer somewhere in that section of bowel, but just that all of the parts that they tested came back cancer-free.
It all took my back to when my father got cancer for the third and final time. He had gone in to get some scar tissue removed, and during the operation, one of the student physicians had noticed some suspicious tissues in the area that they were working. They decided to take some samples for testing. The doctor came in to speak to us after the surgery, informing us of the biopsies that were taken. He told us that he was positive that there was no cancer there, but took the biopsies because the student doctor was adament about it. Told us not to worry, that he was sure everything would come out fine. Later that day, we found out he was wrong, and there was new cancer all over my dad's throat, and spreading downwards towards his stomach.
I think it's really unfair when physicians cross that line. I'm not even sure if it's legal. How could someone tell you everything will be ok, when there's no scientific proof of that? They create this emotional rollercoaster, saying "don't worry, I'm sure everything is fine" when really all they're basing that on is a hunch?
So here we are, in the same situation as before. I think my family needs a new doctor.
My mother was told she had bowel cancer. It hadn't really sunk in for any of us. It felt like we were all just coming to terms with everything when she got another call from the doctor. The biopsy report was in.
They had only taken 5 biopsy samples when they did her colonoscopy. Usually they take more, but in her case the section of her bowel had to be removed regardless of the outcome, cancerous or not, so they only took the five.
After the doctors tell my mother that they were sure she had bowel cancer, they called her back and told her that the biopsies came back clean. No cancer. That doesn't necessarily mean that there isn't cancer somewhere in that section of bowel, but just that all of the parts that they tested came back cancer-free.
It all took my back to when my father got cancer for the third and final time. He had gone in to get some scar tissue removed, and during the operation, one of the student physicians had noticed some suspicious tissues in the area that they were working. They decided to take some samples for testing. The doctor came in to speak to us after the surgery, informing us of the biopsies that were taken. He told us that he was positive that there was no cancer there, but took the biopsies because the student doctor was adament about it. Told us not to worry, that he was sure everything would come out fine. Later that day, we found out he was wrong, and there was new cancer all over my dad's throat, and spreading downwards towards his stomach.
I think it's really unfair when physicians cross that line. I'm not even sure if it's legal. How could someone tell you everything will be ok, when there's no scientific proof of that? They create this emotional rollercoaster, saying "don't worry, I'm sure everything is fine" when really all they're basing that on is a hunch?
So here we are, in the same situation as before. I think my family needs a new doctor.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
frostbite
Apparently it's 1AM. I never notice time at night anymore. I stay up late watching cheesy shows about losing weight or plastic surgery on my computer to keep me entertained. Cud says I should sleep more. He's probably right.
I've just spent the second night in a row thawing out my feet in the tub after work. My job, being a zamboni driver, has really taken a toll on my feet. I always got frostbite as a kid, but it wasn't until recently that it's really become a health concern. A few of my toes on my right foot have developed permanent purple bruise-like spots. My toes are constantly swollen, and even after I thaw them, they feel tingly and disconnected to the rest of me. Before work today I drove to town and bought -40 snow boots (2 sizes too big so there would be lots of room for socks). I wore extra wool socks, long johns, 3 sweaters, a hat and mittens all day at work, and I still got frostbite on my two most damaged toes. I think I'll go to the doctor on thursday and see if there's anything else I can do.
It's gotten to the point though that depending on what he says I may have to quit my job. My job is awesome, and it's frustrating to think that I might not be able to do it anymore. But, I also want to keep my toes, and I wouldn't be surprised if by the end of the season (come March) I needed to get parts of them cut off. For real.
Cud says I need to take better care of myself. Work has kept me run off my feet for the past few months, so much so that I don't eat right and have lost even more weight. I replace food with a more convenient substitute: coffee. Both dehydrating, and bad for your circulation. It's no wonder I am where I am right now..
I'm hungry, but can't be bothered to eat. Perhaps I'll just wait til breakfast... or more realistically, lunch. Proof that I'm stubborn, I suppose.
Big day at work tomorrow. 11-11. Getting the ice ready for a big three day hockey tournament this weekend, where I'm sure I'll be working 15 hours a day. And getting even more frostbite.
Oh life.
I've just spent the second night in a row thawing out my feet in the tub after work. My job, being a zamboni driver, has really taken a toll on my feet. I always got frostbite as a kid, but it wasn't until recently that it's really become a health concern. A few of my toes on my right foot have developed permanent purple bruise-like spots. My toes are constantly swollen, and even after I thaw them, they feel tingly and disconnected to the rest of me. Before work today I drove to town and bought -40 snow boots (2 sizes too big so there would be lots of room for socks). I wore extra wool socks, long johns, 3 sweaters, a hat and mittens all day at work, and I still got frostbite on my two most damaged toes. I think I'll go to the doctor on thursday and see if there's anything else I can do.
It's gotten to the point though that depending on what he says I may have to quit my job. My job is awesome, and it's frustrating to think that I might not be able to do it anymore. But, I also want to keep my toes, and I wouldn't be surprised if by the end of the season (come March) I needed to get parts of them cut off. For real.
Cud says I need to take better care of myself. Work has kept me run off my feet for the past few months, so much so that I don't eat right and have lost even more weight. I replace food with a more convenient substitute: coffee. Both dehydrating, and bad for your circulation. It's no wonder I am where I am right now..
I'm hungry, but can't be bothered to eat. Perhaps I'll just wait til breakfast... or more realistically, lunch. Proof that I'm stubborn, I suppose.
Big day at work tomorrow. 11-11. Getting the ice ready for a big three day hockey tournament this weekend, where I'm sure I'll be working 15 hours a day. And getting even more frostbite.
Oh life.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Sometimes i wonder
Why things happen? What creates a chain of events? Is there such a
thing as fate? And who decides it?
I cant say i really believe in god. Well, at least not the bible god.
Some people believe that mother nature is oir higher power. I think
theres some truth to that. Nostradameus predicted the future by using
the stars. And we can see in nature a constant representation of
evolution to compensate for environmental changes, as well as natures
own forms of population control. Humans have overpopulated the world,
and in response, every year new diseases arise, cancers, viruses,
epidemics. Who can argue that mother nature doesnt have some sort of
plan?
thing as fate? And who decides it?
I cant say i really believe in god. Well, at least not the bible god.
Some people believe that mother nature is oir higher power. I think
theres some truth to that. Nostradameus predicted the future by using
the stars. And we can see in nature a constant representation of
evolution to compensate for environmental changes, as well as natures
own forms of population control. Humans have overpopulated the world,
and in response, every year new diseases arise, cancers, viruses,
epidemics. Who can argue that mother nature doesnt have some sort of
plan?
--
Sent from my mobile device
<3 -story.- <3
Thursday, January 7, 2010
fast forward a day later: December 24th, 2009
It was Christmas Eve day. The night before I had gotten a call from Mom: She had gone to get a scope done earlier that day to check out her bowels and stomach. I'm not even sure what prompted the tests in the first place. It didn't take them long to get the results back to her though, they called her a few hours later. They thought it was bowel cancer, and she was going to need surgery.
In these situations, I always picture the worst. My mom dying, leaving me with no parents. It's crazy to think about. One minute you've got both of them, and the next, they're gone. Just like that. And it's just you.
Mom didn't want to talk about it, and I guess I don't really blame her. See, when bad things happen in our family, my mom just pretends everything is ok. I think it's her way of dealing with things. We talked for a minute about it over the phone, and that was it. It wasn't brought up again.
A week or so later they set up the date for her operation. It was scheduled for late January. They were going to take out half of her bowel, she was going to be in the hospital for 2 weeks or so.
My mother was really only worried about one thing; would she have to have a bag, or would her bowels still work? She wasn't worried about the thought of dying, or anything else. Just that. They assured her that she wouldn't need one. The other half of her bowel would be enough.
For the next week or so, we did't talk much about the operation, except to make the arrangements. Who would take care of the dog and the cat while she was in the hospital? Who would go stoke the fireplace for her once she got out, since she couldn't do any heavy lifting? What about the housework?
And still we didn't really talk about it. I pretended. She pretended. My brother pretended. It's a game we all play. A very unhealthy one, but a familiar one to us in our family, none-the-same. We played that game a lot when dad was dying. And when i look back at it all now, i regret it so much. Because with that game, you never say how you really feel, and what you're really thinking. Everything you say is trivial, while everything you think is exactly what you regret not saying later...
This is my mom's second bout of cancer. A few years ago, she had a rare cancer in her breast. Not breast cancer, but something else. I'm not sure what it was called. They removed half of her left breast, and she recovered.
My mom is a very strong lady. I know she makes me angry sometimes, but she's one of the strongest women I know. And with everything she's been through, I'm glad she is the way she is. It takes a lot of strength to go through all this. I'm proud of my mom. And I hope I can be half as strong as her someday.
In these situations, I always picture the worst. My mom dying, leaving me with no parents. It's crazy to think about. One minute you've got both of them, and the next, they're gone. Just like that. And it's just you.
Mom didn't want to talk about it, and I guess I don't really blame her. See, when bad things happen in our family, my mom just pretends everything is ok. I think it's her way of dealing with things. We talked for a minute about it over the phone, and that was it. It wasn't brought up again.
A week or so later they set up the date for her operation. It was scheduled for late January. They were going to take out half of her bowel, she was going to be in the hospital for 2 weeks or so.
My mother was really only worried about one thing; would she have to have a bag, or would her bowels still work? She wasn't worried about the thought of dying, or anything else. Just that. They assured her that she wouldn't need one. The other half of her bowel would be enough.
For the next week or so, we did't talk much about the operation, except to make the arrangements. Who would take care of the dog and the cat while she was in the hospital? Who would go stoke the fireplace for her once she got out, since she couldn't do any heavy lifting? What about the housework?
And still we didn't really talk about it. I pretended. She pretended. My brother pretended. It's a game we all play. A very unhealthy one, but a familiar one to us in our family, none-the-same. We played that game a lot when dad was dying. And when i look back at it all now, i regret it so much. Because with that game, you never say how you really feel, and what you're really thinking. Everything you say is trivial, while everything you think is exactly what you regret not saying later...
This is my mom's second bout of cancer. A few years ago, she had a rare cancer in her breast. Not breast cancer, but something else. I'm not sure what it was called. They removed half of her left breast, and she recovered.
My mom is a very strong lady. I know she makes me angry sometimes, but she's one of the strongest women I know. And with everything she's been through, I'm glad she is the way she is. It takes a lot of strength to go through all this. I'm proud of my mom. And I hope I can be half as strong as her someday.
first day of the rest of my internet life.
alright. online blog. i never thought it would come to this.
however, i feel like since i live so far away from my friends, this might be a good way for people to see what my life is like over here in rural PEI.
I started working on a new zine before christmas. Here's what I have so far... it's sort of a brief synopsis of where I am so far:
December 23rd, 2009. Two days before Christmas. A lot’s changed in the past year.
Last Christmas was very surreal. Thrown into the festivities of “the holidays” a month after my Dad died. We went through the motions, but no one was happy.
My Dad had cancer. Throat cancer. This was his third bout of it in 5 years. He’d been through a lot. Radiation, operations, testing, more testing, and after the second time it hit him he was left without a voice box. He had a tube in his throat to breathe through, he could talk a little with a prosthesis, but he didn’t use it much. He tried so hard to stay positive, just glad he was alive, but it was hard for him. It was hard for all of us. Mom was left to take care of him for those last few years. It took all her time, but she never complained. She was just glad to still have him.
Before his final diagnosis, he had noticed he had trouble swallowing. His throat hadn’t healed right, and he had to be fed through a tube in his nose. Back and forth from Halifax for doctor’s appointments, they were sure it wasn’t cancer again. He went back in for some tissue tests, and they happened to take some extra samples. It was cancer. It had been there for a while, unnoticed by the doctors. They did radiation for the second time (which they normally wouldn’t do, because skin tissue is so heavily damaged after one treatment that it would be dangerous for a second, even years later).
After all that, it wasn’t even the cancer that killed him.
He had just gotten home from a doctor’s appointment, excited for the first time in a long time that he had actually received some good news: They thought they got it all.
The week before he’d had a blood vessel burst in his neck, because his tissue was so damaged, and had spent the last week in the hospital. Now he was finally home again. Dad always hated the hospital. “It’s dirty”, mom would say. “They don’t even clean him up.”
The last time he’d been in the hospital in Halifax, I was still living there. I’d go in every day after work and sit with him, get him the newspaper, tell him about work, news, things I’d read about. I’d clean him up and put socks on him (his feet were always freezing). I never said anything real. I was always afraid to tell him how I was feeling. I think we all were. Pretending.
That night after the Doctor’s, Dad was happy. Hopeful. Sometime in the night, he got up, bleeding everywhere from his neck. Mom woke up, and he was standing in the doorway of the bedroom. Bleeding and panicked. He was rushed to the hospital. They didn’t even think he’d make it there.
I was still living in Halifax at the time. My life there had just finished completely falling apart and I was trying my best to decifer what was left. My boyfriend of three years had cheated on me, our picturesque apartment was now empty, I was back living in a punkhouse kids I had just met. They were amazing. Kyle would always have talks with me and tell me that I was making a bad decision (I was always making bad decisions), Travis was always inventing things, and coming up with crazy schemes, Laurie was always being the most productive person ever. Building things, working, being social. And Aaron was always good for a laugh.
I had just started dating a very nice boy from Montreal. Cud. He had just hitchhiked down to visit me. I had just started a new job at a shitty call center, after not working and busking, begging, and bribing my way through a few months of no job. I think I’d been working there a week. Work felt like kindergarten.
I was at work when I got the call. It was 10AM. It was my brother. My dad was in the hospital. He wouldn’t make it, probably not even long enough for me to drive the 5 hours to PEI. I left work, picked up Cud at my house, asked Kyle to take care of Piston for a few days, and drove home.
When we got to the hospital, Dad was still alive. He was bleeding to death. A main artery had burst in his neck from the radiation. It wouldn’t clot. That was it. My mom, my aunt Pauline, Cud, my brother and I were all there in his room. Waiting. It was a horrible feeling, to wait for someone you love to die. We kept thinking “oh, this is it. He’s goanna go now.” His breathing would get shallow and we’d all wait. The first few hours we were all there. Talking to him. He was sedated, so he wouldn’t move around. But they said he could hear us. We sat around, telling stories about funny times we’d had, reminiscing about before the cancer. When my brother and I were little kids. How bad we’d been. It was really nice. I think it was good for him and us. It was hard to see him like that, and remembering him before seemed more important than ever in that moment.
Once night hit, we started taking turns sitting with him. At first one person would leave for a half hour, and the rest would stay. That way we could get food, coffee, go to the washroom. And Dad just kept hanging on. The next day came and went, and we were all still there, someone always holding his hand. By the third day, we were all exhausted.
C ud had never met any of my family before this. We’d only been dating a few weeks. But he was amazing. Staying up with me, getting us coffees, being supportive. I feel like he really got to know my Dad, even though he was never conscious, through the stories we told, and he saw a side of my mother that he would most people would probably never see.
After the third day, we starting trying to sleep. We would sit in shifts of two. Mom and Pauline would stay with Dad, Cud and I would squeeze onto the tiny couch in the family room and try to sleep. After a couple of hours, we’d switch. I don’t know if any of us really slept. But we tried.
By the fourth day, he was still alive. A lot of the blood had clotted outside of his body, pools in his neck, and nose, and it was coming out much slower now. They couldn’t give him any fluids or blood the whole time, because it would just make the bleeding worse. We all felt horrible about it. His being hungry and dehydrated and sedated and alone inside his own head. But there was nothing we could do.
They had given us a cot in his room, so we could sleep closer to him. That’s where I was when he started to go. November 16th. I got up and held his hand. It was all very surreal. He just sort of went grey. That’s how we knew it was close. And after a few minutes, that was it. He took a breath. And didn’t take another.
The funeral, the wake, the food, the people, it was all a blur.
Next thing you know, it was Christmas. Dad’s favorite holiday. Cud was there with my brother, my mom, and i. Still. Through it all. I’ve never seen anyone more selfless. Christmas sucked, and I fell in love.
My mom wanted me to move back to PEI. Cud decided to move here as well from Montreal, feeling sick of the city life. We bought a tiny little house with some help from my mom, and he moved in in December. I went on tour for a week, packed up my life in Halifax, and got here in January.
That was a year ago. Now it’s Christmas. Again. And my whole life is completely different than in was last November. But, Christmas still sucks. It’ll never be the same.
They says time heals. But I don’t think that’s true. I think time just means you cry more alone, when no one’s watching. I still cry all the time about Dad. Mostly driving. I’m sure it’s not the safest time, but it’s when I think about him the most.
Dad loved to drive. He’d drive anywhere if someone would go with him. After he lost his voice, I’d come home and visit, and dad and I would drive around. He had this old car. A Jetta, diesel. It was so loud that you couldn’t talk over the rumble of the engine. But it didn’t matter, dad wouldn’t talk anyways. He’d just drive around town, pointing out what had changed, how is had grown in some ways, and gotten smaller in others. A new house, a new real estate scheme, an abandoned building. We’d go out to the woods, in Cardigan. The 60 acres he had given me just after he had gotten sick the second time. He’d point out all the property lines, show me little things about the forest I never would have known otherwise. He’d show me where he would build a house there, and I’d talk about how I was going to do it, soon, in the summer. He was so excited about the idea of it all. Me moving back home to the Island, building a house on his land, something he had talked about doing but never done. Excited that I’d be nearby. He hated when I would leave after a visit. I would say goodbye to him, trying to act like I would see him again, no worries. And he’d well up every time. I’d want to tell him I loved him, but I didn’t want him thinking that this was a real goodbye, not a “see you later”. I’d leave, he’d cry, I’d cry. But we never talked about it.
There were so many things I really thought he’d be here for. Nine months after he died we did build a house on the land, Cud and I. I thought about him every day. How excited he would have been. How he would have been out there, helping us, working 12 hour days like we were if he could. If he hadn’t been sick. But he just missed it, just barely. I never even got to move back to the Island before he died. Never got to spend quality time with him. I was always putting off moving back while he was sick. But two months later, there I was, living in my hometown again.
Now I work at the rink here. I drive the Zamboni and make the ice.
My first week of work, I noticed an old whiteboard in the Zamboni room office. It had my name on it. “Sam. W.”. I’m the only Sam W. in Georgetown, but I didn’t write it, and I’d never been in the office before I started working there. The whiteboard came from my dad. He’d given it to the rink when I was a little girl. It was like some weird kind of fate or something. That I’d be working there, 20 years later. Now I see it everyday, and it’s like having a little piece of Dad with me.
however, i feel like since i live so far away from my friends, this might be a good way for people to see what my life is like over here in rural PEI.
I started working on a new zine before christmas. Here's what I have so far... it's sort of a brief synopsis of where I am so far:
December 23rd, 2009. Two days before Christmas. A lot’s changed in the past year.
Last Christmas was very surreal. Thrown into the festivities of “the holidays” a month after my Dad died. We went through the motions, but no one was happy.
My Dad had cancer. Throat cancer. This was his third bout of it in 5 years. He’d been through a lot. Radiation, operations, testing, more testing, and after the second time it hit him he was left without a voice box. He had a tube in his throat to breathe through, he could talk a little with a prosthesis, but he didn’t use it much. He tried so hard to stay positive, just glad he was alive, but it was hard for him. It was hard for all of us. Mom was left to take care of him for those last few years. It took all her time, but she never complained. She was just glad to still have him.
Before his final diagnosis, he had noticed he had trouble swallowing. His throat hadn’t healed right, and he had to be fed through a tube in his nose. Back and forth from Halifax for doctor’s appointments, they were sure it wasn’t cancer again. He went back in for some tissue tests, and they happened to take some extra samples. It was cancer. It had been there for a while, unnoticed by the doctors. They did radiation for the second time (which they normally wouldn’t do, because skin tissue is so heavily damaged after one treatment that it would be dangerous for a second, even years later).
After all that, it wasn’t even the cancer that killed him.
He had just gotten home from a doctor’s appointment, excited for the first time in a long time that he had actually received some good news: They thought they got it all.
The week before he’d had a blood vessel burst in his neck, because his tissue was so damaged, and had spent the last week in the hospital. Now he was finally home again. Dad always hated the hospital. “It’s dirty”, mom would say. “They don’t even clean him up.”
The last time he’d been in the hospital in Halifax, I was still living there. I’d go in every day after work and sit with him, get him the newspaper, tell him about work, news, things I’d read about. I’d clean him up and put socks on him (his feet were always freezing). I never said anything real. I was always afraid to tell him how I was feeling. I think we all were. Pretending.
That night after the Doctor’s, Dad was happy. Hopeful. Sometime in the night, he got up, bleeding everywhere from his neck. Mom woke up, and he was standing in the doorway of the bedroom. Bleeding and panicked. He was rushed to the hospital. They didn’t even think he’d make it there.
I was still living in Halifax at the time. My life there had just finished completely falling apart and I was trying my best to decifer what was left. My boyfriend of three years had cheated on me, our picturesque apartment was now empty, I was back living in a punkhouse kids I had just met. They were amazing. Kyle would always have talks with me and tell me that I was making a bad decision (I was always making bad decisions), Travis was always inventing things, and coming up with crazy schemes, Laurie was always being the most productive person ever. Building things, working, being social. And Aaron was always good for a laugh.
I had just started dating a very nice boy from Montreal. Cud. He had just hitchhiked down to visit me. I had just started a new job at a shitty call center, after not working and busking, begging, and bribing my way through a few months of no job. I think I’d been working there a week. Work felt like kindergarten.
I was at work when I got the call. It was 10AM. It was my brother. My dad was in the hospital. He wouldn’t make it, probably not even long enough for me to drive the 5 hours to PEI. I left work, picked up Cud at my house, asked Kyle to take care of Piston for a few days, and drove home.
When we got to the hospital, Dad was still alive. He was bleeding to death. A main artery had burst in his neck from the radiation. It wouldn’t clot. That was it. My mom, my aunt Pauline, Cud, my brother and I were all there in his room. Waiting. It was a horrible feeling, to wait for someone you love to die. We kept thinking “oh, this is it. He’s goanna go now.” His breathing would get shallow and we’d all wait. The first few hours we were all there. Talking to him. He was sedated, so he wouldn’t move around. But they said he could hear us. We sat around, telling stories about funny times we’d had, reminiscing about before the cancer. When my brother and I were little kids. How bad we’d been. It was really nice. I think it was good for him and us. It was hard to see him like that, and remembering him before seemed more important than ever in that moment.
Once night hit, we started taking turns sitting with him. At first one person would leave for a half hour, and the rest would stay. That way we could get food, coffee, go to the washroom. And Dad just kept hanging on. The next day came and went, and we were all still there, someone always holding his hand. By the third day, we were all exhausted.
C ud had never met any of my family before this. We’d only been dating a few weeks. But he was amazing. Staying up with me, getting us coffees, being supportive. I feel like he really got to know my Dad, even though he was never conscious, through the stories we told, and he saw a side of my mother that he would most people would probably never see.
After the third day, we starting trying to sleep. We would sit in shifts of two. Mom and Pauline would stay with Dad, Cud and I would squeeze onto the tiny couch in the family room and try to sleep. After a couple of hours, we’d switch. I don’t know if any of us really slept. But we tried.
By the fourth day, he was still alive. A lot of the blood had clotted outside of his body, pools in his neck, and nose, and it was coming out much slower now. They couldn’t give him any fluids or blood the whole time, because it would just make the bleeding worse. We all felt horrible about it. His being hungry and dehydrated and sedated and alone inside his own head. But there was nothing we could do.
They had given us a cot in his room, so we could sleep closer to him. That’s where I was when he started to go. November 16th. I got up and held his hand. It was all very surreal. He just sort of went grey. That’s how we knew it was close. And after a few minutes, that was it. He took a breath. And didn’t take another.
The funeral, the wake, the food, the people, it was all a blur.
Next thing you know, it was Christmas. Dad’s favorite holiday. Cud was there with my brother, my mom, and i. Still. Through it all. I’ve never seen anyone more selfless. Christmas sucked, and I fell in love.
My mom wanted me to move back to PEI. Cud decided to move here as well from Montreal, feeling sick of the city life. We bought a tiny little house with some help from my mom, and he moved in in December. I went on tour for a week, packed up my life in Halifax, and got here in January.
That was a year ago. Now it’s Christmas. Again. And my whole life is completely different than in was last November. But, Christmas still sucks. It’ll never be the same.
They says time heals. But I don’t think that’s true. I think time just means you cry more alone, when no one’s watching. I still cry all the time about Dad. Mostly driving. I’m sure it’s not the safest time, but it’s when I think about him the most.
Dad loved to drive. He’d drive anywhere if someone would go with him. After he lost his voice, I’d come home and visit, and dad and I would drive around. He had this old car. A Jetta, diesel. It was so loud that you couldn’t talk over the rumble of the engine. But it didn’t matter, dad wouldn’t talk anyways. He’d just drive around town, pointing out what had changed, how is had grown in some ways, and gotten smaller in others. A new house, a new real estate scheme, an abandoned building. We’d go out to the woods, in Cardigan. The 60 acres he had given me just after he had gotten sick the second time. He’d point out all the property lines, show me little things about the forest I never would have known otherwise. He’d show me where he would build a house there, and I’d talk about how I was going to do it, soon, in the summer. He was so excited about the idea of it all. Me moving back home to the Island, building a house on his land, something he had talked about doing but never done. Excited that I’d be nearby. He hated when I would leave after a visit. I would say goodbye to him, trying to act like I would see him again, no worries. And he’d well up every time. I’d want to tell him I loved him, but I didn’t want him thinking that this was a real goodbye, not a “see you later”. I’d leave, he’d cry, I’d cry. But we never talked about it.
There were so many things I really thought he’d be here for. Nine months after he died we did build a house on the land, Cud and I. I thought about him every day. How excited he would have been. How he would have been out there, helping us, working 12 hour days like we were if he could. If he hadn’t been sick. But he just missed it, just barely. I never even got to move back to the Island before he died. Never got to spend quality time with him. I was always putting off moving back while he was sick. But two months later, there I was, living in my hometown again.
Now I work at the rink here. I drive the Zamboni and make the ice.
My first week of work, I noticed an old whiteboard in the Zamboni room office. It had my name on it. “Sam. W.”. I’m the only Sam W. in Georgetown, but I didn’t write it, and I’d never been in the office before I started working there. The whiteboard came from my dad. He’d given it to the rink when I was a little girl. It was like some weird kind of fate or something. That I’d be working there, 20 years later. Now I see it everyday, and it’s like having a little piece of Dad with me.
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