finding myself?

I feel like i'm in a constant state of change. I've sort of been living in a hiatus "it'll do" situation for the past year, and I'm feeling really ready to start moving forward.

I've been thinking a lot with what i'm going to do when i finally move out of this house. I tried to leave in the summer, but everyone was pretty against the idea. so here i am. still here.

February is a few months away, but i feel like i sort of need a plan of action.

I'm thinking of buying a super small camper-style van, and living in it. alone. I think it'll be good for me, get away from roommates. get away from dependancies in people that i'm really starting to feel. Though, i must say, i feel like doing this is setting me in the opposite direction to where i want to be. I'd like to be stable. I'd like to be able to see a future in something. i'll be 30 in a few months, and i'm just getting further and further away from doing and being what i want. I think a lot about my time being with cud, and all the great things about it. Being happy and in a stable relationship, in a stable living environment, it left so much more time and energy to focus on other things. I was so much more productive musically. I had so much more time to have friends, my mom. There was a nice balance, because we just knew that we'd be there for each other, even if there were spurts of time where we didn't see a lot of each other.

It's nice to talk about having a future with someone.

This winter will be very interesting. Lots more changes. It's about time i started making decisions that will make ME happy, not everyone else.

a large part of the beauty of blogs is being able to look back at posts and track your emotions from day to day, week to week.

a few weeks ago i wrote about how happy i was, how things were great. how i have lots of happiness and friends. then the other day i wrote about how i had no real friends and was feeling unfulfilled.

it must be confusing, i know it is to me.

I think i'm just coming to a bit of a crossroads. my friends nolan and rae just visited this week, and it got me thinking about what i'm gonna do when my lease is up at this house February 1st. and what i'm gonna do with the cabin this winter. and what i wanna focus on in the next little bit. I'm feeling really flaily lately. it seems like i changed my mind about everything from day to day. i was really determined originally to get the cabin fully winterized and go back there this fall, but money's tight, and paying for all of that alone is really difficult, so i've come to the realization that that's not really gonna happen, and that this winter i'm not going to be living there.

so i'm left with all these completely different options:

i could go live with my mom for a couple of months, save up, and tough it out for a bit so i can focus on the cabin getting finished. Sacrifice fun and happiness for "gettin 'er done".

i could get an apartment in town by myself, but that would be very pricey and i definitely wouldn't be able to save up to work on the cabin. or even really have extra money after rent.

i could leave the island for at least the rest of the winter, maybe longer. Maybe go to Halifax, maybe just go wherever.

I just don't know what i want. I really don't want to continue having a lease. it sucks. i hate not having any freedom. i want to able to potentially live at the cabin at least in the warmer months without still having to pay rent in town for somewhere i won't be. I also miss my friends. I miss being really close to people.

I'm just not sure what to do, and although i have a few months to figure it out, i feel like it's going to take me at least that long to decide what i want.

too large to be a clique, too small to be a community.

So, i've been thinking a lot lately about friendship, community, and relationships. I went to a party tonight for a artist collective here called "this town is small". It was really nice to see people coming together as a community. It made me sad that i'm not a part of it. I realize, of course, that that's a selfish way to see things. If i want to be part of a community then i have to create one, or immerse myself in one. But, i find charlottetown very intimidating in that sense. I've been living here for a few years now, and i still have no real friends, and no real direction musically, artistically, or otherwise. No goals, no plans for the future, no strive.

I'm thinking I'm not going to play any shows anymore. Or, at least not for a long while. It's not that i need appreciation and reassurance to create music, |(and i still plan to write lots and play for myself), but i feel sort of lost in the whole performance aspect of it. For me, it sort of takes the enjoyment out of it. After playing solo music for four years or so, i still feel like I'm playing to no one. That the point of playing is to make people FEEL what you're feeling, hear inside of you. It's sort of a sharing process. I miss the days when i lived in halifax and had tons of friends in the diy music community and we would play for eachother, play together, write together, support eachother. There really isn't that community here, and for people living here maybe they don't understand, but people elsewhere might know what i mean. Playing alone is lonely in itself, and it takes a lot for me to get up in front of people and spill my guts, but playing alone without a community to support you is an entirely different thing.

As for friendships, i often think a lot as to why i don't have any friends here. I know part of is that i think i keep to myself. That i don't outwardly try hard enough. I know nothing falls into your lap. I also wonder if a lot of it is just because it's hard to really become part of a community in a small town if it's not your home. I really want to try harder to meet people, but it's so overwhelming to have to start from scratch. especially in a small town like this.

new job! soooo stoked.

This is Baba's, my new place of employment. so far so good.

So, i got a new job. it was kinda surreal how quickly i found one this time around, and it's an awesome job. Probably, the best one ever. Really. It's a bartending job at Baba's. I couldn't ask for anything better. Baba's is kind of like, the only cool bar in town. Where all the hippies and punks go, and where all the good bar shows are at. I started a couple of days ago. I think I'm doing pretty well. I don't have a lot of bartending experience, so it's a bit of a learning curve remembering what goes in all the drinks and whatnot. The first night that i worked the place was packed. It was one of our friends birthday too, so there were lots of folks around that i knew, which was rad. We ran out of schooner, keiths, clancys, and draft, and i made 90 bucks in tips. Pretty good for a Monday, i'd say. Especially since i didn't go in til 11.

It's sort of the kind of job that seems too good to be true. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sort of half expecting for them to just be like "uh, this isn't gonna work out", because the idea of me working there just seems so perfect. Hopefully i'm just being paranoid. Hopefully.

I have managed to save up a little over 300 dollars for piston's surgery, which has been rough since i've been between work for the past couple weeks, and have just been picking up 4-hour shifts here and there at VanKampens up until i started at Baba's. I'm hoping i won't need to dip into it, but i'm not sure when i'll even get my next paycheque, so who knows really.

Piston got his staples out on Monday! Matt had to take him cause his vet's a half hour away in Montague, and i was working. He was a trooper. He's allowed to go for walks and go up and down the stairs now. He's getting a lot better at that stuff! He even jumped into the car all by himself today! He's lost some weight already, which is great too. It'll be easier on his back leg being a bit thinner.

Other than that things are really good. Getting along with all my roommates, which is nice. Things are sooo amazing with Matt, Got to hang out with Zach which ruled, and my garden is huge. no complaints. at all.

things are really looking up..

zach at the nudie beach (Blooming Point). He buried himself in the sand. Well, mostly buried.

I'm really happy with where life is heading these days. I can honestly say I haven't been this happy in a long time. Lots of friends, love, and good times.

I found a new job, in record time i might add. It's kind of the best job ever. Bartending at my favorite bar, Baba's. It's like, if there were an awesome job to score in Charlottetown, this would be it. I'm really nervous, but excited as well. I start on Monday, and i really can't wait.

Also, Piston's getting his staples out on monday! Matt's taking him, since i have to work (which is very sweet of him, i might add). He's been healing up really well, and is eager to start getting back to normal. He's able to jump up on the couch now, lay on both of his sides, and we've even started taking short walks the past few days. Today, we tried going up the stairs. He had a few little slips going up, but he's great at going down. Once the staples come out, we'll try it again. But for now, it's better just to leave it be i think.

My friend Zach is visiting right now from Albany, NY. It's so great to see him. We've had a pretty busy weekend. Thursday was a potluck at janette and lonnies, friday was the nude beach with a bunch of folks (where i got possibly the worst sunburn of my life!), followed by some coincidental neighborhood park party directly behind our house (featuring a bouncy castle, and free hotdogs, icecream, and cookies!). Today we went to the Farmer's Market, then a few of us went bowling. I'm pretty wiped.

Everything is just sort of feeling on the right track these days. I'm pretty content. Life's totally good right now, and it's really refreshing.

pistons amputation, the garden, and life.

my garden a few weeks ago
my garden when i planted it in may. pretty pathetic, eh?
pdid back at home after the surgery.
matt and piston. at the vets the day after surgery.
piston, when he still had his leg the day of the accident. driving from the vets to the vet college.

what a trooper.

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It's been an absolutely insane month. I got laid off last week from my job at VanKampens (the greenhouse). Planting seasons over already. time is flying this summer. I wasn't too concerned at first, hoping i could just busk to pay rent, but then the ball dropped.

Piston got hit by a car on Sunday. Janette, Lonnie, me, and our three dogs had gone to the beach for the afternoon, and decided to stop at the Frosty Treat in Summerside on the way home for icecream. I had put piston in the back of Janette's truck with Osha and Skookum, but where we had parked was right across the street from A donut shop with a parking lots full of motorcycles. Piston hates motorcycles. while we were in line, he managed to break out of the back of the truck through a small window, and ran into the street, getting hit by a car. Luckily, he had mostly just hurt his left back leg. But, his ankle was fractured, with a compound fracture and was completely dislocated. He got transferred from the vet in town, to the vet college, to his vet in montague, and after some deliberating with the surgeons, we decided that it would be best to amputate the leg. Reconstructive surgery would be risky, and the recovery time would be four months at least. plus, he'd have bad arthritis, and there's a chance it wouldn't even work. He had his surgery on Tuesday, and he's doing really well. I'll post some photos below.

As well, he has a lump on his anus that i kinda thought was not so big of a deal, but apparently it has to be removed, and it could be cancer. they tried to remove it while he was under during his amputation, but ran out of time. So now, he needs a second surgery in a month where he'll have to be put under to get the lump removed. Hopefully it's not cancer. so much stress lately.

So, on top of losing my job, i had $2000 in vet bills , and another $500-$600 in a month for his second surgery to get the lump removed. It's been stressful, to say the least.

Other stuff: On a more positive note (and perfect timing i might add to be broke), my garden is really growing. lettuce is abundant, zucs are almost ready to be picked, and the rest of the plants are huge. So, at least i'll have something to eat while i'm broke.

I have been applying for a lot of jobs: mostly ones I would actually like, healthfood stores, and other hippie-type spots. I'm trying really really hard to to what i need to do to pay rent, and pay for surgery. I can only try my very best.