Many things have changed, turned sour, and some have even come full-circle again in the past few months. I've flailed hard, but managed to cause minimal damage. Losing trust in someone can make you crazy, and the only way to find that trust again is by maintaining a level state of mind. I'm working on it that part. Some days more so than others. I've never been the jealous type, but circumstance is everything. I try to keep my mouth shut, most of the time.
It's my thirtieth birthday in two days. I'm feeling more and more pressure to find myself, and figure out my future. What i want to achieve. I've lost myself more in the past year than i ever have in my adult life. I know the things that I want, more or less, but compromise for now with what's feasible. It seems defeatist to me, a lot of the time. I try not to get discouraged. Settling only gets you so far in obtaining your dreams. But, immediate happiness is also important, and fortunately (or unfortunately maybe), i find happiness in nooks and crannies just about anywhere if i really strain my eyes and focus. I've got things pretty alright right now. I've just got to remind myself sometimes.
Still, some days i fantasize about leaving here. Going back to Halifax. Or somewhere else. Just for a while. Not working and not paying rent. Living in a closet out of a backpack. Just for now. Just for a little while. It's not that i want to travel; it's more like i want to stay someplace, but just for a bit. Then, multiply that times ten. That's what i want sometimes.
The cabin is now officially empty. I feel as though I've failed that place somehow. Failed my dreams, in a way. Or at least put them on the back burner indefinitely. Dreams just lose meaning when you have no one to share them with, and I think i've just started to accept that. I love a boy who has different dreams than i do. I just haven't figured out what that means yet...
