fall to winter

I'm feeling a time for new beginnings right now. I\ve been frantically continuing my search for a new house for Matt and i. One where Jack (his son) can have his own room. Where we have no roommates. Where i can have plants that won't die. At the same time, i've begun my search for an all-ages venue/et al. location. If the basement house fully disbands from this move, i really want to open something more permanent. Somewhere real. Ideally it'll have shows, but i'll also rent it out as a jam space. Hopefully i'll find a place cheap enough that i can actually break even on it. So far, i've had shitty luck with both places. No one will rent to Matt and I because we have two dogs. And no one will rent a commercial space to me for music cause well, it's loud. And so, the hunt continues.

On other fronts, i got a raise and a promotion at work. Which makes me feel good (naturally). It's a pretty huge raise, and I officially run every aspect of Baba's. Including booking all the bands. So far so good.
As far as the rest of life goes, things are good. I (well, my doctor really) realized I have some sort of cooch-allergy. Maybe to soap, but most likely it's a latex allergy.I've never been so frustrated with contraception in my life. I don't want to mess with my hormones and go on the pill, or injections, or anything like that. I can\t get an IUD because i'm prone to yeast infections, and now i'm allergic to latex. One million dollars later, I have finally purchased some non-latex condoms. Gave em a whirl. I'll keep you posted.
Nothing is more upsetting than having an upset vegina. they're so sensitive, i always joke to Matt about how it's its own ecosystem down there. And Matt's the first partner i've used only condoms with. Which i'm guessing is why i wouldn't have known there may be an allergy. Nevertheless, here we are. And hopefully this will work it out. I must say that I did notice a difference right away with the poly condoms. Definitely makes sex better when you don't feel kinda icky afterwards. I could really get used to this.

So, Matt and I ended up not celebrating our two year anniversary. However, we are going to celebrate Uncle's one year anniversary. I find that commical, and appropriate. We are doing amazingly. Especially considering how stressful trying to move has been. I have some things i need to work on i think, but he's a very patient person. I'm pretty lucky.

I forgot to update with a photo from my garden this year. I will say, it was a huge success. everything was ginormous. my only real failure was my broccolli. again. It just bolts right away. But, everything else grew (zucz, lettuce, leeks, onions, peppers, and so on) wonderfullyl. The amazing summer really made it impossible to fail. I do have some picture somewhere, i'll try and post some.

Simpler Things

Just a quick update:

Trying to simplify my life. Down to one (well, sorta) jobs. Down one band (Eviction Party broke up... RIP). Off Facebook again (hopefully forever). Oh! and I quit smoking ! (Well, 5 days in so far, fingers crossed). It's nice to feel more in control of my own life, and have time to breathe.

i know its been a million years~!

I just realized i haven't written anything here since May.
Part of this is because I've been very busy.
And part of this is because I don't really know what to say.
Haha. I guess i'll get you all up to speed..
I work a lot. I am managing the bar i was working at (baba's lounge), and i also work part time for a jeweler called Overman. On top of that, I'm still busy with bands and PRRO and all that other fun stuff.


Going away was soo lovely! I got to spend time with Christeen, Zach, and see tons of other amazing friends. But, i think it was a little bittersweet because seeing so many friends made me feel that much lonelier here on PEI. It seems like i try and try and try and I still can't make friends here. It really makes me wonder, "am i a shitty person?", "am i not likable?". And that makes me kinda sad. It also makes me wonder "should i really still be living here?", "am i happy?". And that makes me flighty as hell.
There are a lot of great things about PEI. And maybe part of my problem is that I just don't utilize them. I don't live at the cabin anymore, and I think that's a really big thing. I feel like i've really lost touch with a lot of who i am. I haven't written a new song in months and months, these days i don't even bother to pick up my banjo or accordion. Is this what nine to fivers feel like? It's a boring lifeless way to live.
I just miss having friends. Having people to share things with. I've been on PEI for probably 4 years now, and there still isn't a single person i can hang out with and talk to about anything real.

Every day I think about leaving. And i wonder if the reasons why I stay outweigh the reasons for leaving?

Garden!!

Got my garden in! All of my seedling were huge. I've got a good feeling about this years yield. Broccolli, zucs, cucs, lettuce, tomatoes, leeks, peppers. Heck yeah.

Emergency

I feel like im about to say a lot of things i pretend dont exist in any strong woman's life, or in mine. I feel like, i, like many women, pretend to be much stronger than we really are. I pretend i don't let emotions trump better judgement. But, a lot of the time, that's simply not the case.
I just read a really powerful column in MRR Issue 348  called "Dancing with Tears in my Eyes" by Kat Case. The column spoke to me on so many levels. It was mainly about her struggles with the morning after pill, how she felt about taking it, where her life was at that point, and her partners reactions in those situations. It really spoke to me. She had two instances where she took the morning after pill.
The first was in her younger years, with an alcoholic punk boy who didn't seem particularly sensitive to the whole situation... a situation where he knew the condom had slipped off inside of her but kept on going; came inside of her anyway. During that time in her life, she seemed to be a lot like i was when i was younger. Always trying to have sex responsibly, be accountable/responsible for her own body. Got tested regularly, used condoms, went on the pill with long-term partners. But, also like me, no matter how much effort she put into it, she still reluctantly continued to date men who would always put off getting tested, or be sexually irresponsible with HER body. I've been several relationships where i've allowed love to cloud better judgement. Empty promises of  "I'll get tested soon, i swear" and as the months go by, you begin to slack a little, and trust them more and more, all the while they're still not giving you the simple respect to just go get it done. I've been in monogamous, very long-term relationships with men who've lied about ever being tested, cheated without using protection, and come home to sleep with me condom-free for months without guilt. Our mutual friends never told me because it "wasn't their business", and I've never felt clean since. I've struggled my whole adult life with trusting someone else with MY sexual health. Because, ulitmately, that's what you're doing.

The second instance where this woman opted for the morning after pill was many years later, her now a teacher and in her 30's,  dating a new man who she was falling very in love with. That night, during sex, he just unexpectedly came inside her. She knew she should have been mad, but instead just lay there holding him. Her love for him made him able to blatantly disrespect her wishes, and her body. She knew she was ovulating, and thought about the idea of keeping the child if she was in fact pregnant. But, made the decision not to. To her, it was a life-changing experience. To him, it was a night of sex he could barely even recall by morning.

In most of the circles of friends i've kept in my adult life, there has always been a similar theme. Most women going for yearly paps, getting tested (including blood work) yearly, and being accountable for our actions. Out of the male friends i currently have here, i know of only one who's ever been tested, let alone regularly. Generally, how i've gone about getting around this when it comes to dating is to always use condoms (and i'm very good about them these days, but nobody's perfect), and make sure i'm tested between each partners (including blood work six months post break-up). That way, if my last partner had given me something very serious without knowing, it would end with me. All because i've become complacent to many men's attitudes about sexual health. And you know what? That's unfair. I've suffered the permanent emotional damage from their irresponsibility. I've suffered the paranoia of contracting STIs, the close calls, the unexpected ejaculations, the morning after pills,  the lies, the manipulation. I've suffered the ABORTION. And my exes? They have no idea what that feels like.

co-tangent

Just when things start to somewhat resemble "normal" and "functional" in my life, drama has to kick me in the face.
I'm getting pretty tired of it all. Maybe i'm kidding myself when i think that i'm in an ok place in my life right now. Deep down I know i'm still not really living for me. In a lot of ways, things have been slowly falling into place. I got a new van, which i love, and actually works very well. i finally went to the orthodontist to get my teeth all fixed up. it's gonna cost me a fortune, but they do payment plans, so that's great. I replaced my glasses a couple of months ago. I got a new drum set. I bet it might sound like i'm loaded, but virtually everything ive invested in is on a payment plan. The drums cost me $30 a month, the orthodontist is $200 a month, the glasses were $15 total (|thanks china?), and the money for the van is partially payed back now, but was a loan from my mom.
All of the expensive things in my life i've been putting off, i'm finally just biting the bullet and doing. I'm in debt now as a result, and my bills are doubling every month for the next year and a half, but it's better to just get it out of the way, i figure. I guess if i'm going to be here just working, i might as well make the most of it and spend the money on useful things.

So back to the drama. There seems to be drama all around me these days. I just want things to be normal. I try so hard to stay on the outside, have a little faith, and give people the benefit of the doubt. But, they always let me down in the end. Sometimes i wonder why i make so many compromises in my life for something that so rarely returns the favour?

today.

Had a great saturday today, oh my. Woke up early (well, like noon), and went to Long and McQuade... and bought a new drum kit! Words can't even describe how stoked I am about this. I'm hoping it will make me a real drummer someday. Here's a photo:

After that was a DATE! Sushi at Ta-ke. It was lovely, the food is great there. And it was nice to go out to eat somewhere sorta fancy. It's also nice to go on a date sometimes. I'm a bit of a romantic, i suppose.

Then we took the dogs to the dog park, which is always fun. And after that we had practice with Uncle. I was soo stoked to be able to play the new kit. I feel like it instantly makes me a better drummer? Anyways, we recorded practice. It's sort of inaudible really, but its up on our bandcamp if anyone wants to check it out:

www.uncle902.bandcamp.com

Other fun adventures today included a trip to petsmart, where i got piston a new dog bed (he loves to sleep, you know), a late night rashed's burger chow down, and a brief stop in at the Chisholms for a keg party before work at 11pm.

I feel fulfilled.

oh. oh. oh.

I just made it back from a week-long trip to the states. Eviction Party (yes, that band i was in in 2006 or something) have been playing these days, picking up momentum really, and have even released a new tape. It's all very bizarre and exciting, and todi and i are both dreamers, so it works out well.

It was such a great time. I met so many new friends and had an amazing time with everyone. I miss them all already, and i can't wait to plan our tour with Rubrics next summer.

It's really starting to feel like winter's over. While i was away there was a huge snowstorm here, but the snow's long been melted away, and the past two days have been almost tshirt weather.

I feel like I may have really jumped the gun on my garden this year. Two days of pre-mature mid-twenty degree weather found my seeds tucked away neatly in their nests of soil, and now the plants are almost three inches tall. I'm hoping they wont suffocate in their little trays before i can get them planted outside in the garden.

On the menu for this summers garden so far is: candy cane beets, golden beets, leeks, cucs, zucs, parsnips, chard, kale, and likely a few other greens further down the road. I also started some nasturtium seeds, which is exciting. They're lovely little edible flowers, and i've never grown them before.

Ellen got back to PEI from out west today. i can't believe it's been almost a year since i've seen her! oh my. It's nice to have her back. their cabin is looking amazing, and is very cozy. I also went and checked on my cabin, and it's doing very well also, much to my surprise. All the mouse traps are empty, and other than some yard cleanup, and it's great shape. I'm hoping to get a lot of work done out there this summer, but then again i said that last summer, so i guess we'll just have to see.

I'm still not sure if i'm going to keep my room in town this summer either. I love the idea of being out at the cabin, but, i really like the house and i don't want to lose that either. I think a lot of it will depend on where relationships go. Things with matt, things with ellen and pat, bands... where i seem to be spending most of my time. I dunno. I'm always so confused.

long goodbyes

Just made it back, hopefully intact, from a week long eviction party tour of the east coast. long drives and short visits. it was all a blur... filled with too much PBR and hash, short sleeps and solid shows. Thanks to everyone who helped us out along the way.

Small things turn me into a whirlwind of anxiety. too much paranoia and caffeine is probably the cause. I'm just trying to get over it and move on. But it's hard. I feel myself turning off somehow. closing up.

Having a week of simplicity was nice, but it makes the complications of day to day existence that much more overwhelming. Love, life, and relationships are trying at times. I need to learn to talk more about real things. I find myself inside my own head and i don't know how to get out, save for beer and cigarettes. My closest friends, and bitter enemies. They keep me quiet, and singing along, even when i don't know all the words.

Sometimes i feel though that i'm at a point in it all where i just shouldn't care anymore about the shit i can't change. "Give it back to the universe", as my friend Adam used to say. Words of wisdom i've never forgotten through it all.

It's been a bit of a rough week.

Broke out in a full body rash a couple of nights ago. Haven't gone to the Dr. about it (mostly due to listening to Matt, who never goes to the Dr. about anything). It's getting better, but i'm still going to the Dr. on friday. I think it's an allergic reaction. hmm. oh well. i keep getting new allergies. it's unfortunate. Maybe there's something I can take to fend off allergic reactions?

Eviction Party is going on tour on monday. i can't wait to get away for a week. it's much needed.

My truck died the other day. Not broke, but died. I'm pretty bummed. Makes being productive much more difficult. That truck was a terrible idea.

Alright. so enough complaining.

I'm looking for something to do/somewhere to go and/or live for a bit this spring or early summer. I need to stop settling for things.

the diving belle.

i did a photo shoot with my friend Matty B. from Overman (a jewelry company here in PEI) for his art show this month. the photo never went up in the end. Too much gossip, and inappropriate comments from men. Figures. Anyways, here's the final photo chosen from the shoot.

February.

I found an old photo of piston today, taken right after i first got him. I remember getting that picture, along with another of ben and i, for a christmas present from our friend Bridget. Somewhere along the line Ben smashed it in one of our arguments, and the second photo is missing. It's sad to think our relationship was like that. It's been so long since i've had to deal with those sorts of incidents. Makes me feel really lucky. I have a really sweet, understanding boyfriend. And i'm so appreciative of that.

We spent the afternoon decorating the house today. It was nice. Janette and Lonnie had caught a mouse at the cabin and tanned the hide. Then they gave it to me for my birthday. Such an amazing gift. Today I finally bought a frame for it. It looks brilliant.

the things you do for love.

It's a new year. I'm trying to find fresh beginnings here. Cleaning out the house in the efforts to bring on productivity. It looks like I'll be living here in this house a while longer, month to month this time. I feel good about it.

Many things have changed, turned sour, and some have even come full-circle again in the past few months. I've flailed hard, but managed to cause minimal damage. Losing trust in someone can make you crazy, and the only way to find that trust again is by maintaining a level state of mind. I'm working on it that part. Some days more so than others. I've never been the jealous type, but circumstance is everything. I try to keep my mouth shut, most of the time.

It's my thirtieth birthday in two days. I'm feeling more and more pressure to find myself, and figure out my future. What i want to achieve. I've lost myself more in the past year than i ever have in my adult life. I know the things that I want, more or less, but compromise for now with what's feasible. It seems defeatist to me, a lot of the time. I try not to get discouraged. Settling only gets you so far in obtaining your dreams. But, immediate happiness is also important, and fortunately (or unfortunately maybe), i find happiness in nooks and crannies just about anywhere if i really strain my eyes and focus. I've got things pretty alright right now. I've just got to remind myself sometimes.

Still, some days i fantasize about leaving here. Going back to Halifax. Or somewhere else. Just for a while. Not working and not paying rent. Living in a closet out of a backpack. Just for now. Just for a little while. It's not that i want to travel; it's more like i want to stay someplace, but just for a bit. Then, multiply that times ten. That's what i want sometimes.

The cabin is now officially empty. I feel as though I've failed that place somehow. Failed my dreams, in a way. Or at least put them on the back burner indefinitely. Dreams just lose meaning when you have no one to share them with, and I think i've just started to accept that. I love a boy who has different dreams than i do. I just haven't figured out what that means yet...