toothache...

always shifting.

see below...

So, I'm taking photos of all the parts of my body that I feel most insecure about, as a way for me to grow.

Starting with my most self-conscious (my breasts: see below). I must say that even after posting just one photo, I'm feeling empowered. I want the photos to look as artistic as possible, to make my body look as much like art as I can, without really changing or re-taking the photo.

It's all about letting go. Freeing yourself. We're all just human. The most critical of ourselves IS ourselves.

cold room.. cold heart.

is that what it takes to set you free? if so, then here's the key.

am i fifteen again?

I've determined that i spend way too much time thinking about boys. I feel like an angsty teenage girl just trying to be loved.

Cud told me yesterday that he's being "close" with someone else. Really messed me up, for a lot of reasons I guess. I guess it's just hard to think that for two years we were together and he couldn't/didn't act close to me. We didn't make out ever. Didn't cuddle. Barely had sex. And for two years I was patient. He would flipflop between the mentality of "well, thats just who I am, take it or leave it" and actually trying to figure it all out. And that whole time, I was patient. And sad. And just wanted to be wanted by my boyfriend. It was really hard. And ultimately, it's what did us in. Every time we'd break up over it, as soon as we weren't technically together, all he wanted to do was be close, have sex. And the moment we'd get back together it'd go back to how it was before.

When I was finally the one who broke up with him (cause the four other times it was always his doing), we both decided we wouldn't get back together, at least not for a long while. So we could both get our heads on straight and he could figure his shit out with intimacy. I started sorta seeing Matt. And besides thinking he's rad, it was really nice to feel wanted, and to be close with someone. And after having had been in a relationship with someone for two years and not feeling that, it seemed natural to finally want that once we were broken up.

I know Cud holds it all against me. I know it was hard for him to think about me and matt being close.

He moved to Halifax, and I moved to Charlottetown.

I had been doing a lot of thinking the past few days about Cud, and I. Where we're at. It feels like we're so distant from eachother now. Living these separate lives. Yesterday I messaged him to talk. I was thinking it'd be a good thing for us to see eachother. See where we're at. See what's left between us. Just see him. It's been about a month. But, as I mentioned it to him, He sorta just blurted out that he was "being close" with someone.

It's so much harder to take in then i thought it would be. He couldn't be close to me for all that time, and now, he's sharing those things with someone else?

It's already hard enough to think that he has my friends, my old life in Halifax, but now I'm completely outside of it. I would never want to see that. It makes me feel ill.

Am I being unreasonable?