Cud told me yesterday that he's being "close" with someone else. Really messed me up, for a lot of reasons I guess. I guess it's just hard to think that for two years we were together and he couldn't/didn't act close to me. We didn't make out ever. Didn't cuddle. Barely had sex. And for two years I was patient. He would flipflop between the mentality of "well, thats just who I am, take it or leave it" and actually trying to figure it all out. And that whole time, I was patient. And sad. And just wanted to be wanted by my boyfriend. It was really hard. And ultimately, it's what did us in. Every time we'd break up over it, as soon as we weren't technically together, all he wanted to do was be close, have sex. And the moment we'd get back together it'd go back to how it was before.
When I was finally the one who broke up with him (cause the four other times it was always his doing), we both decided we wouldn't get back together, at least not for a long while. So we could both get our heads on straight and he could figure his shit out with intimacy. I started sorta seeing Matt. And besides thinking he's rad, it was really nice to feel wanted, and to be close with someone. And after having had been in a relationship with someone for two years and not feeling that, it seemed natural to finally want that once we were broken up.
I know Cud holds it all against me. I know it was hard for him to think about me and matt being close.
He moved to Halifax, and I moved to Charlottetown.
I had been doing a lot of thinking the past few days about Cud, and I. Where we're at. It feels like we're so distant from eachother now. Living these separate lives. Yesterday I messaged him to talk. I was thinking it'd be a good thing for us to see eachother. See where we're at. See what's left between us. Just see him. It's been about a month. But, as I mentioned it to him, He sorta just blurted out that he was "being close" with someone.
It's so much harder to take in then i thought it would be. He couldn't be close to me for all that time, and now, he's sharing those things with someone else?
It's already hard enough to think that he has my friends, my old life in Halifax, but now I'm completely outside of it. I would never want to see that. It makes me feel ill.
Am I being unreasonable?
story!
ReplyDeletei think your reactions are totally valid and it's human to feel that way. it's hard to see something that didn't work for you seem to work for other people, especially when you put so much time and effort into trying to make it work.
and totally, if you miss folks in halifax it would be hard to know that cud's hanging out with all those people you miss and you don't get to.
that being said, if cud has had a hard time being close to people and he's succeeding at it a bit lately, that's exciting for him.
and it's exciting that you've gotten to feel close to someone, too.
you're not being unreasonable. this stuff is complicated.
I also spend way too much time thinking about boys. It's completely sickening since deep down I try to be an independent female that is fine on her own. It's all a big joke though. I think we all have a deep need to 'be close' with someone, and at our age it becomes fairly overwelming due to our damn emotions and hormones.
ReplyDeleteI think all your feelings are totally valid and normal. Break ups suck.
-Jess
Sam
ReplyDeletethis sounds a lot like the relationship I was in and had to end in the fall (after being together for about 2 years). I also tried really hard to communicate and be patient and understanding - but eventually you have to stand up for yourself and know that you're never going to get what you need, or be compatible!
Even if you don't want to be with someone it always hurts to know that they want to be with someone else. It is pathetic but true. As humans I think we will always measure ourselves against other people. As long as you don't get lost in that and distort your true feelings of self-worth, it is ok to be sad or angry.
x ainsley.