Got my garden in! All of my seedling were huge. I've got a good feeling about this years yield. Broccolli, zucs, cucs, lettuce, tomatoes, leeks, peppers. Heck yeah.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Emergency
I feel like im about to say a lot of things i pretend dont exist in any strong woman's life, or in mine. I feel like, i, like many women, pretend to be much stronger than we really are. I pretend i don't let emotions trump better judgement. But, a lot of the time, that's simply not the case.
I just read a really powerful column in MRR Issue 348 called "Dancing with Tears in my Eyes" by Kat Case. The column spoke to me on so many levels. It was mainly about her struggles with the morning after pill, how she felt about taking it, where her life was at that point, and her partners reactions in those situations. It really spoke to me. She had two instances where she took the morning after pill.
The first was in her younger years, with an alcoholic punk boy who didn't seem particularly sensitive to the whole situation... a situation where he knew the condom had slipped off inside of her but kept on going; came inside of her anyway. During that time in her life, she seemed to be a lot like i was when i was younger. Always trying to have sex responsibly, be accountable/responsible for her own body. Got tested regularly, used condoms, went on the pill with long-term partners. But, also like me, no matter how much effort she put into it, she still reluctantly continued to date men who would always put off getting tested, or be sexually irresponsible with HER body. I've been several relationships where i've allowed love to cloud better judgement. Empty promises of "I'll get tested soon, i swear" and as the months go by, you begin to slack a little, and trust them more and more, all the while they're still not giving you the simple respect to just go get it done. I've been in monogamous, very long-term relationships with men who've lied about ever being tested, cheated without using protection, and come home to sleep with me condom-free for months without guilt. Our mutual friends never told me because it "wasn't their business", and I've never felt clean since. I've struggled my whole adult life with trusting someone else with MY sexual health. Because, ulitmately, that's what you're doing.
The second instance where this woman opted for the morning after pill was many years later, her now a teacher and in her 30's, dating a new man who she was falling very in love with. That night, during sex, he just unexpectedly came inside her. She knew she should have been mad, but instead just lay there holding him. Her love for him made him able to blatantly disrespect her wishes, and her body. She knew she was ovulating, and thought about the idea of keeping the child if she was in fact pregnant. But, made the decision not to. To her, it was a life-changing experience. To him, it was a night of sex he could barely even recall by morning.
In most of the circles of friends i've kept in my adult life, there has always been a similar theme. Most women going for yearly paps, getting tested (including blood work) yearly, and being accountable for our actions. Out of the male friends i currently have here, i know of only one who's ever been tested, let alone regularly. Generally, how i've gone about getting around this when it comes to dating is to always use condoms (and i'm very good about them these days, but nobody's perfect), and make sure i'm tested between each partners (including blood work six months post break-up). That way, if my last partner had given me something very serious without knowing, it would end with me. All because i've become complacent to many men's attitudes about sexual health. And you know what? That's unfair. I've suffered the permanent emotional damage from their irresponsibility. I've suffered the paranoia of contracting STIs, the close calls, the unexpected ejaculations, the morning after pills, the lies, the manipulation. I've suffered the ABORTION. And my exes? They have no idea what that feels like.
I just read a really powerful column in MRR Issue 348 called "Dancing with Tears in my Eyes" by Kat Case. The column spoke to me on so many levels. It was mainly about her struggles with the morning after pill, how she felt about taking it, where her life was at that point, and her partners reactions in those situations. It really spoke to me. She had two instances where she took the morning after pill.
The first was in her younger years, with an alcoholic punk boy who didn't seem particularly sensitive to the whole situation... a situation where he knew the condom had slipped off inside of her but kept on going; came inside of her anyway. During that time in her life, she seemed to be a lot like i was when i was younger. Always trying to have sex responsibly, be accountable/responsible for her own body. Got tested regularly, used condoms, went on the pill with long-term partners. But, also like me, no matter how much effort she put into it, she still reluctantly continued to date men who would always put off getting tested, or be sexually irresponsible with HER body. I've been several relationships where i've allowed love to cloud better judgement. Empty promises of "I'll get tested soon, i swear" and as the months go by, you begin to slack a little, and trust them more and more, all the while they're still not giving you the simple respect to just go get it done. I've been in monogamous, very long-term relationships with men who've lied about ever being tested, cheated without using protection, and come home to sleep with me condom-free for months without guilt. Our mutual friends never told me because it "wasn't their business", and I've never felt clean since. I've struggled my whole adult life with trusting someone else with MY sexual health. Because, ulitmately, that's what you're doing.
The second instance where this woman opted for the morning after pill was many years later, her now a teacher and in her 30's, dating a new man who she was falling very in love with. That night, during sex, he just unexpectedly came inside her. She knew she should have been mad, but instead just lay there holding him. Her love for him made him able to blatantly disrespect her wishes, and her body. She knew she was ovulating, and thought about the idea of keeping the child if she was in fact pregnant. But, made the decision not to. To her, it was a life-changing experience. To him, it was a night of sex he could barely even recall by morning.
In most of the circles of friends i've kept in my adult life, there has always been a similar theme. Most women going for yearly paps, getting tested (including blood work) yearly, and being accountable for our actions. Out of the male friends i currently have here, i know of only one who's ever been tested, let alone regularly. Generally, how i've gone about getting around this when it comes to dating is to always use condoms (and i'm very good about them these days, but nobody's perfect), and make sure i'm tested between each partners (including blood work six months post break-up). That way, if my last partner had given me something very serious without knowing, it would end with me. All because i've become complacent to many men's attitudes about sexual health. And you know what? That's unfair. I've suffered the permanent emotional damage from their irresponsibility. I've suffered the paranoia of contracting STIs, the close calls, the unexpected ejaculations, the morning after pills, the lies, the manipulation. I've suffered the ABORTION. And my exes? They have no idea what that feels like.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
co-tangent
Just when things start to somewhat resemble "normal" and "functional" in my life, drama has to kick me in the face.
I'm getting pretty tired of it all. Maybe i'm kidding myself when i think that i'm in an ok place in my life right now. Deep down I know i'm still not really living for me. In a lot of ways, things have been slowly falling into place. I got a new van, which i love, and actually works very well. i finally went to the orthodontist to get my teeth all fixed up. it's gonna cost me a fortune, but they do payment plans, so that's great. I replaced my glasses a couple of months ago. I got a new drum set. I bet it might sound like i'm loaded, but virtually everything ive invested in is on a payment plan. The drums cost me $30 a month, the orthodontist is $200 a month, the glasses were $15 total (|thanks china?), and the money for the van is partially payed back now, but was a loan from my mom.
All of the expensive things in my life i've been putting off, i'm finally just biting the bullet and doing. I'm in debt now as a result, and my bills are doubling every month for the next year and a half, but it's better to just get it out of the way, i figure. I guess if i'm going to be here just working, i might as well make the most of it and spend the money on useful things.
So back to the drama. There seems to be drama all around me these days. I just want things to be normal. I try so hard to stay on the outside, have a little faith, and give people the benefit of the doubt. But, they always let me down in the end. Sometimes i wonder why i make so many compromises in my life for something that so rarely returns the favour?
I'm getting pretty tired of it all. Maybe i'm kidding myself when i think that i'm in an ok place in my life right now. Deep down I know i'm still not really living for me. In a lot of ways, things have been slowly falling into place. I got a new van, which i love, and actually works very well. i finally went to the orthodontist to get my teeth all fixed up. it's gonna cost me a fortune, but they do payment plans, so that's great. I replaced my glasses a couple of months ago. I got a new drum set. I bet it might sound like i'm loaded, but virtually everything ive invested in is on a payment plan. The drums cost me $30 a month, the orthodontist is $200 a month, the glasses were $15 total (|thanks china?), and the money for the van is partially payed back now, but was a loan from my mom.
All of the expensive things in my life i've been putting off, i'm finally just biting the bullet and doing. I'm in debt now as a result, and my bills are doubling every month for the next year and a half, but it's better to just get it out of the way, i figure. I guess if i'm going to be here just working, i might as well make the most of it and spend the money on useful things.
So back to the drama. There seems to be drama all around me these days. I just want things to be normal. I try so hard to stay on the outside, have a little faith, and give people the benefit of the doubt. But, they always let me down in the end. Sometimes i wonder why i make so many compromises in my life for something that so rarely returns the favour?
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