language is a bitch

cra·zy

   [krey-zee] Show IPAadjective, -zi·er, -zi·est, noun, plural -zies.

–adjective

1.

mentally deranged; demented; insane.

2.

senseless; impractical; totally unsound: a crazy scheme.

3.

Informal . intensely enthusiastic; passionately excited: crazyabout baseball.

4.

Informal . very enamored or infatuated (usually followed byabout ): He was crazy about her.

5.

Informal . intensely anxious or eager; impatient: I'm crazy totry those new skis.

6.

Informal . unusual; bizarre; singular: She always wears acrazy hat.

7.

Slang . wonderful; excellent; perfect: That's crazy, man,crazy.

8.

likely to break or fall to pieces.

9.

weak, infirm, or sickly.

10.

having an unusual, unexpected, or random quality, behavior,result, pattern, etc.: a crazy reel that spins in eitherdirection.

–noun

11.

Slang . an unpredictable, nonconforming person; oddball: ahouse full of crazies who wear weird clothes and come in atall hours.

12.

the crazies, Slang . a sense of extreme unease, nervousness,or panic; extreme jitters: The crew was starting to getthe crazies from being cooped up belowdecks for so long.

—Idiom

13.

like crazy,

a.

Slang . with great enthusiasm or energy; to an extreme:We shopped like crazy and bought all our Christmas giftsin one afternoon.

b.

with great speed or recklessness: He drives like crazyonce he's out on the highway.

IF THE DICTIONARY SAYS THAT THE WORD CRAZY HAS DIFFERENT TECHNICAL DEFINITIONS, THEN WHY CAN'T WE PRACTICE THOSE OTHER DEFINITIONS IN OUR LANGUAGE IF THOSE OTHER DEFINITIONS aren't OFFENSIVE?

Alright. So, I've been sitting back listening to everyone argue with each other about this whole blightfest thing, and about people in general not fitting up to PC standards. It something that I feel like I've been listening to for years.

When i was in my early twenties I was a huge activist. Always fighting for a cause, member of the ARA, MOBGLOB, etc. But even back then I could say the word crazy, or bitch, and other words whose definitions have changed over the course of time.

I have two strong opinions towards this topic. First of all, i think that language is far less important than intent. I also feel like its far less important than being kind to others.

Since moving back to PEI, there are a lot of realizations I've come to in regards to the most important aspects of friendship...

When my brother died in November, it was a really hard time for me. One thing I noticed was who was really there for me. Many of the people that i thought of as my closest friends in Halifax were nowhere to be found. Although many of these folks are great at being politically correct, a lot of them fall short at being sincerely supportive to their friends. Where they may have no trouble prioritizing time and effort to call people out on words, and actions, that they don't deem "PC"... selflessly spending much of their spare time spreading the word on such issues with other people in the community, often the simplicity of selflessly spending time and effort just being "there" for someone who may be going through something rough often gets forgotten, or deemed "not as important".

It is very interesting having a completely different type of group of friends here in PEI. Though a few of them may be offensive at times, some of them may even use the word "fag" every once in a while, they are amazing people. The kind of friends that accept each other for who they are, for all of their faults, and don't hold anything against them. The kind of people who are there for each other ALWAYS in the end. People who might not be amazing at the etiquette of language, but have the etiquette of friendship down perfectly. It's nice to have friends I can feel relaxed around. How I can get too drunk and put my foot in my mouth and they'll still be there for me in the morning say "it's cool, we all get drunk and do stupid shit sometimes". How my friends can get drunk and do stupid shit, and i can wake up in the morning and say "man, you did some stupid shit last night. hey, you want some coffee?" and it's all forgotten about. No gossip. No intervention. No drama. Just movin on.

And that's not to say I don't say something to people when they are being offensive. Because I do. And they take my opinion into consideration. And they respect that. And I respect them for that.

If language is enough to tear apart a friendship, then what was that friendship in the first place?

I do think being politically correct is important. But, unfortunately, we all don't get to live in a bubble.

This is not an attack on the kids in halifax, there are many people there who i love dearly and still consider good friends of mine.

Im just tired of seeing people attack their friends over semantics.

three.

always.

toothache...

always shifting.

see below...

So, I'm taking photos of all the parts of my body that I feel most insecure about, as a way for me to grow.

Starting with my most self-conscious (my breasts: see below). I must say that even after posting just one photo, I'm feeling empowered. I want the photos to look as artistic as possible, to make my body look as much like art as I can, without really changing or re-taking the photo.

It's all about letting go. Freeing yourself. We're all just human. The most critical of ourselves IS ourselves.

cold room.. cold heart.

is that what it takes to set you free? if so, then here's the key.

am i fifteen again?

I've determined that i spend way too much time thinking about boys. I feel like an angsty teenage girl just trying to be loved.

Cud told me yesterday that he's being "close" with someone else. Really messed me up, for a lot of reasons I guess. I guess it's just hard to think that for two years we were together and he couldn't/didn't act close to me. We didn't make out ever. Didn't cuddle. Barely had sex. And for two years I was patient. He would flipflop between the mentality of "well, thats just who I am, take it or leave it" and actually trying to figure it all out. And that whole time, I was patient. And sad. And just wanted to be wanted by my boyfriend. It was really hard. And ultimately, it's what did us in. Every time we'd break up over it, as soon as we weren't technically together, all he wanted to do was be close, have sex. And the moment we'd get back together it'd go back to how it was before.

When I was finally the one who broke up with him (cause the four other times it was always his doing), we both decided we wouldn't get back together, at least not for a long while. So we could both get our heads on straight and he could figure his shit out with intimacy. I started sorta seeing Matt. And besides thinking he's rad, it was really nice to feel wanted, and to be close with someone. And after having had been in a relationship with someone for two years and not feeling that, it seemed natural to finally want that once we were broken up.

I know Cud holds it all against me. I know it was hard for him to think about me and matt being close.

He moved to Halifax, and I moved to Charlottetown.

I had been doing a lot of thinking the past few days about Cud, and I. Where we're at. It feels like we're so distant from eachother now. Living these separate lives. Yesterday I messaged him to talk. I was thinking it'd be a good thing for us to see eachother. See where we're at. See what's left between us. Just see him. It's been about a month. But, as I mentioned it to him, He sorta just blurted out that he was "being close" with someone.

It's so much harder to take in then i thought it would be. He couldn't be close to me for all that time, and now, he's sharing those things with someone else?

It's already hard enough to think that he has my friends, my old life in Halifax, but now I'm completely outside of it. I would never want to see that. It makes me feel ill.

Am I being unreasonable?

lumberjacks

Pat's friend Steve is visiting right now. It's pretty rad. I'm seeing lots more of Pat, which is cool. And hanging out with Steve, which is cool too.

So, like me, Pat also doesnt have enough firewood for the winter. But, he has even less. Maybe a weeks worth left. So, today, Pat, Steve and I went out in the woods and cut down deadfall to supplement his firewood. It was a super beautiful day, and we had lots of fun.