too large to be a clique, too small to be a community.

So, i've been thinking a lot lately about friendship, community, and relationships. I went to a party tonight for a artist collective here called "this town is small". It was really nice to see people coming together as a community. It made me sad that i'm not a part of it. I realize, of course, that that's a selfish way to see things. If i want to be part of a community then i have to create one, or immerse myself in one. But, i find charlottetown very intimidating in that sense. I've been living here for a few years now, and i still have no real friends, and no real direction musically, artistically, or otherwise. No goals, no plans for the future, no strive.

I'm thinking I'm not going to play any shows anymore. Or, at least not for a long while. It's not that i need appreciation and reassurance to create music, |(and i still plan to write lots and play for myself), but i feel sort of lost in the whole performance aspect of it. For me, it sort of takes the enjoyment out of it. After playing solo music for four years or so, i still feel like I'm playing to no one. That the point of playing is to make people FEEL what you're feeling, hear inside of you. It's sort of a sharing process. I miss the days when i lived in halifax and had tons of friends in the diy music community and we would play for eachother, play together, write together, support eachother. There really isn't that community here, and for people living here maybe they don't understand, but people elsewhere might know what i mean. Playing alone is lonely in itself, and it takes a lot for me to get up in front of people and spill my guts, but playing alone without a community to support you is an entirely different thing.

As for friendships, i often think a lot as to why i don't have any friends here. I know part of is that i think i keep to myself. That i don't outwardly try hard enough. I know nothing falls into your lap. I also wonder if a lot of it is just because it's hard to really become part of a community in a small town if it's not your home. I really want to try harder to meet people, but it's so overwhelming to have to start from scratch. especially in a small town like this.