the things you do for love.

It's a new year. I'm trying to find fresh beginnings here. Cleaning out the house in the efforts to bring on productivity. It looks like I'll be living here in this house a while longer, month to month this time. I feel good about it.

Many things have changed, turned sour, and some have even come full-circle again in the past few months. I've flailed hard, but managed to cause minimal damage. Losing trust in someone can make you crazy, and the only way to find that trust again is by maintaining a level state of mind. I'm working on it that part. Some days more so than others. I've never been the jealous type, but circumstance is everything. I try to keep my mouth shut, most of the time.

It's my thirtieth birthday in two days. I'm feeling more and more pressure to find myself, and figure out my future. What i want to achieve. I've lost myself more in the past year than i ever have in my adult life. I know the things that I want, more or less, but compromise for now with what's feasible. It seems defeatist to me, a lot of the time. I try not to get discouraged. Settling only gets you so far in obtaining your dreams. But, immediate happiness is also important, and fortunately (or unfortunately maybe), i find happiness in nooks and crannies just about anywhere if i really strain my eyes and focus. I've got things pretty alright right now. I've just got to remind myself sometimes.

Still, some days i fantasize about leaving here. Going back to Halifax. Or somewhere else. Just for a while. Not working and not paying rent. Living in a closet out of a backpack. Just for now. Just for a little while. It's not that i want to travel; it's more like i want to stay someplace, but just for a bit. Then, multiply that times ten. That's what i want sometimes.

The cabin is now officially empty. I feel as though I've failed that place somehow. Failed my dreams, in a way. Or at least put them on the back burner indefinitely. Dreams just lose meaning when you have no one to share them with, and I think i've just started to accept that. I love a boy who has different dreams than i do. I just haven't figured out what that means yet...

PEI Reproductive Rights Organization

I have been SOOO busy lately, it's unreal. A couple of months ago we started a group called the PEI Reproductive Rights Organization (PRRO). Right now abortion is not available on PEI, and less than 5% are funded off-island in Nova Scotia. Every other province and territory have accessibility and funding where we simply don't. So, we want to change all that.

We originally sort of thought "yeah, we'll start this little group, and we'll have a rally, and it'll be like, a little project for us." But, things have exploded. We have so much media coverage. Articles in every local newpaper, local TV, the National Post. It's really blown up. I'm so proud at what the five of us have done in only a few short weeks! And it's been amazing to see how much support we have here! Check out our facebook page (PRRO) and websie (www.prro.tk) for more information on our group.

it's been far too long since i've written here. There've been times i've felt like it, but something told me the words would sound better in my head than on this screen.

Getting ready for the winter is so different this year. no wood to stack, no fireplace to keep me warm, no songs to write. I can see why city folks feel depressed this time of year. All you can do is wait for the cold.

I cleaned my room the other day. Found old letters and photos of my last life. Traveling, living freely, meeting people. We all looked so miserably happy on the back of that 48 in the rain. I remember how scared we were by how fast that train was going, but no one wanted to say it out loud. It's hard to complain when you're living out your dreams.

Now I'm waiting, all the time. Waiting for winter. Waiting for life to kick in again. waiting for news, waiting for letters that should have come last week. waiting to feel complete.

I'm not sad, or depressed really. that's the interesting thing about it. I mostly feel bad for being lazy in the city. watching tv and not the forest lose its leaves. I feel in-between two existences a lot of the time. Eventually, i'll have to give in to one.

The cabin has been out of my control for a long time now. Byron and Carina are moving out, ,Janette and Lonnie are moving in. The mice own the place these days. I'm hoping Janette and Lonnie can help that problem. I don't want to give a second house over to the rodents.

finding myself?

I feel like i'm in a constant state of change. I've sort of been living in a hiatus "it'll do" situation for the past year, and I'm feeling really ready to start moving forward.

I've been thinking a lot with what i'm going to do when i finally move out of this house. I tried to leave in the summer, but everyone was pretty against the idea. so here i am. still here.

February is a few months away, but i feel like i sort of need a plan of action.

I'm thinking of buying a super small camper-style van, and living in it. alone. I think it'll be good for me, get away from roommates. get away from dependancies in people that i'm really starting to feel. Though, i must say, i feel like doing this is setting me in the opposite direction to where i want to be. I'd like to be stable. I'd like to be able to see a future in something. i'll be 30 in a few months, and i'm just getting further and further away from doing and being what i want. I think a lot about my time being with cud, and all the great things about it. Being happy and in a stable relationship, in a stable living environment, it left so much more time and energy to focus on other things. I was so much more productive musically. I had so much more time to have friends, my mom. There was a nice balance, because we just knew that we'd be there for each other, even if there were spurts of time where we didn't see a lot of each other.

It's nice to talk about having a future with someone.

This winter will be very interesting. Lots more changes. It's about time i started making decisions that will make ME happy, not everyone else.

a large part of the beauty of blogs is being able to look back at posts and track your emotions from day to day, week to week.

a few weeks ago i wrote about how happy i was, how things were great. how i have lots of happiness and friends. then the other day i wrote about how i had no real friends and was feeling unfulfilled.

it must be confusing, i know it is to me.

I think i'm just coming to a bit of a crossroads. my friends nolan and rae just visited this week, and it got me thinking about what i'm gonna do when my lease is up at this house February 1st. and what i'm gonna do with the cabin this winter. and what i wanna focus on in the next little bit. I'm feeling really flaily lately. it seems like i changed my mind about everything from day to day. i was really determined originally to get the cabin fully winterized and go back there this fall, but money's tight, and paying for all of that alone is really difficult, so i've come to the realization that that's not really gonna happen, and that this winter i'm not going to be living there.

so i'm left with all these completely different options:

i could go live with my mom for a couple of months, save up, and tough it out for a bit so i can focus on the cabin getting finished. Sacrifice fun and happiness for "gettin 'er done".

i could get an apartment in town by myself, but that would be very pricey and i definitely wouldn't be able to save up to work on the cabin. or even really have extra money after rent.

i could leave the island for at least the rest of the winter, maybe longer. Maybe go to Halifax, maybe just go wherever.

I just don't know what i want. I really don't want to continue having a lease. it sucks. i hate not having any freedom. i want to able to potentially live at the cabin at least in the warmer months without still having to pay rent in town for somewhere i won't be. I also miss my friends. I miss being really close to people.

I'm just not sure what to do, and although i have a few months to figure it out, i feel like it's going to take me at least that long to decide what i want.

too large to be a clique, too small to be a community.

So, i've been thinking a lot lately about friendship, community, and relationships. I went to a party tonight for a artist collective here called "this town is small". It was really nice to see people coming together as a community. It made me sad that i'm not a part of it. I realize, of course, that that's a selfish way to see things. If i want to be part of a community then i have to create one, or immerse myself in one. But, i find charlottetown very intimidating in that sense. I've been living here for a few years now, and i still have no real friends, and no real direction musically, artistically, or otherwise. No goals, no plans for the future, no strive.

I'm thinking I'm not going to play any shows anymore. Or, at least not for a long while. It's not that i need appreciation and reassurance to create music, |(and i still plan to write lots and play for myself), but i feel sort of lost in the whole performance aspect of it. For me, it sort of takes the enjoyment out of it. After playing solo music for four years or so, i still feel like I'm playing to no one. That the point of playing is to make people FEEL what you're feeling, hear inside of you. It's sort of a sharing process. I miss the days when i lived in halifax and had tons of friends in the diy music community and we would play for eachother, play together, write together, support eachother. There really isn't that community here, and for people living here maybe they don't understand, but people elsewhere might know what i mean. Playing alone is lonely in itself, and it takes a lot for me to get up in front of people and spill my guts, but playing alone without a community to support you is an entirely different thing.

As for friendships, i often think a lot as to why i don't have any friends here. I know part of is that i think i keep to myself. That i don't outwardly try hard enough. I know nothing falls into your lap. I also wonder if a lot of it is just because it's hard to really become part of a community in a small town if it's not your home. I really want to try harder to meet people, but it's so overwhelming to have to start from scratch. especially in a small town like this.